She Takes

On Thursday I went to my ex’s house to pick up some food for lunch and to grab my bike to ride it to work. I’d been sick for 10 days and last week was still feeling too weak to ride. I check the fridge to see what I have there and I check the freezer to grab one of the frozen dinners I bought like a month ago and to grab an ice cream bar. The ice cream bar wasn’t there. The box of the ice cream bars that were in a plastic bag were not there!

There are 4 people who live in the house Jh, my ex, Aw, and Js + Aw has a girlfriend, Aa whose over a lot. Jh was home and I asked him if he knew who ate them. I had only had 2 of them and 6 were in the container. They are mini coffee almond crunch bars and they are hard to find. I mean, I rarely see them anywhere. Anyways Jh didn’t eat them. He never eats anybody’s stuff unless they directly give it to him. I wrote a note to my ex, asking her if she knew who’d eaten the ice cream and could she tell them to replace them and if they Didn’t Buy It, Don’t Eat It! and to text me when they replace it so I can take it to work and put it in the freezer there.
I texted Aw. and he said he has sensitive teeth and can’t eat ice cream, I messaged his gf Aa. and she’s allergic to nuts, and so that left it between the last roommate, Js and my ex. When Js messaged me back he said that he saw the box in the trash and that my ex had eaten his mac n cheese the other day and he confronted her about it and she said she’d replace it. So, after asking everyone, it could only be her. I figured it was but didn’t want to accuse first without asking.

The thing is, she takes. Shortly before we had our blow out on Labor Day, she ate the food I was taking for lunch and she said she thought I’d told her she could have it. It wasn’t open!! I had told her before that I was buying groceries for the week to make my own lunch because the bookstore was busy and I didn’t have money to spend on expensive stuff in the cafeteria. And then our friendship ending fight on Labor Day was about her putting over a 100GB on my 1TB portable drive, claiming when I confronted her that she thought I’d given it to her. If that was the case, then why was my stuff still on it? Then she said she wasn’t sure if I’d given it to her. But she could’ve called and asked me. Simple. Those are two examples of recent things. I’ve known her for almost 3 years and there are plenty more. She blames everything on her ADD.

The thing is, she knows how I am. If she would’ve asked I’d most likely have said yeh, sure, you can have one but not the whole box. She should have asked. But instead she just did what she wanted to do which is what she always does. When I was sure it was her, I wrote her a note asking her to replace them and also to give me my smart phone back that I lent her months ago. I was mad about her being so inconsiderate. Here’s the note:

_20141101_004902

So this morning I went over to hang out with Aw. before work and consolidate my stuff because they were throwing a Halloween Party. There was no response to my note. No call. No text. So I left another note saying, Happy Halloween. I have something you may want. Important! Please call me or text me. Use the house phone if it’s that big of deal. I just need a minute of your time. 

The thing about me saying, use the house phone (which is another one of my phones that I’ve lent the household) is because I don’t think she wants me to know her new number. That’s fine. What I decided to do was to take my cord and remote from my TV that she has her new Wii connected to. She plays her game to relax. Maybe she doesn’t really play anymore but I can’t imagine that. I let her have to use of my TV for a couple reasons: 1) I’m not using it 2) I’d rather not have it in my storage unit.
I didn’t put the cord and remote in a box or take it with me. It’s in an open bag that’s a little folded over in one corner of her disaster of a room.  If she calls me or texts me and says she’ll replace the ice cream or really just acknowledge that she took from me without asking or just plain old apologize then I’ll tell her where the cord and remote is. There’s a huge possibility that she didn’t read any of the notes. Even when we were together she ripped up a note without reading it. My feelings were really hurt :( No matter if she read the notes or not, she won’t be able to use the TV unless she gets in touch. And that might not happen. Because she is prideful.
There’s the real possibility that this could get bad. There’s a possibility that nothing will get said either. I’ve been thinking about it though a lot. And it’s stressful. I thought about letting it go. I was afraid to say something to her because I didn’t want her to retaliate against me. I also didn’t want to hear any excuses or justifications come out of her mouth. I also scared myself because I wanted to fight (not physically) I wanted to have it out with her. I want her to admit that she shouldn’t have taken what wasn’t hers. That she shouldn’t have taken from me.  But now I want to let it go because I’m making myself sick. And I know she’s doesn’t care about me at all and she’s not thinking about this at all. I need to take care of myself.
I’m doing some talking to myself to help me let it go. Visualizing the energy of love surrounding me. Telling myself not to take it personally because I doubt her eating the ice cream bars was about me at all. Her behavior is inconsiderate and selfish but it’s not to do with me. And when I think of the child version of me, that good wise child that I was would say: She must have needed the ice cream more than you.

 

 

Stress and My Body

I was wondering if I was getting sick again. I woke up this morning from a pleasant dream. I put my hands together, bent fingertips of my left hand to the bent fingertips of my right. I took it to mean balance and equality. As I continued to wake up, I became aware of my body and it was achy and stiff and I felt like I was coming down with a sore throat.

This lasted the majority of the day. I left San Diego around 2p to head to my Aunt and Uncle’s for the weekend. Here are some pictures I took on the train:

IMG_20141031_143749188_HDRIMG_20141031_143836089_HDRIMG_20141031_143843282_HDR

When I got here I made chamomile tea. Then I had some Emergen-C.  My Aunt had made this tuna casserole dish that me and my Uncle like but I wasn’t hungry. My throat had been feeling like it was closing up. I then decided to google it. Some of the results said it could be caused by anxiety. Because I was achy I decided to take some advil. When the advil kicked in my body relaxed and so did my throat. I think I was getting sick based on stress.

The last two days I’ve been having an issue with my ex and it’s something small that has escalated and I haven’t known what to do. Tonight I was just thinking of how I could let it go. I want her to say something that she’ll never say. I don’t think she’ll call me or text me or respond at all. And I have to accept that. And not be angry about it. And not get sick over it.

Gratitude: love, love, love, family, friends <3
Advil, moscato, tuna noodle dish, my Aunt for making the tuna noodle dish for me and my Uncle when she doesn’t eat any kind of fish at all and can’t stand the smell (We are luck guys!), washing and drying clothes for free! , chilling on a Friday night watching the latest episodes of HTGAWM and Gracepoint, quiet house (I’m the only one awake), Criminal Minds streaming on Netflix keeping me company, being deep in a lesson of letting go and not taking things personally.