It’s been 15 years

and I can still feel your lips

against mine. You taught me a wonderful truth:

A kiss can make you come.

The best pain I’ve ever felt is lips bruised after kissing you for hours. The first time I woke up crying

was because I was missing you. Two years went by before I could say your name without crying. I know why

my friends don’t like you. Why my mother wouldn’t give you my number when you called.

I know that if I saw you today

I’d have to make a choice.

Would I match you? Subtle cruelty to subtle cruelty? I’ve never been subtle.

I’d pick your bones clean.

I’d turn to dust. I’d stare you down. Show you the letters I keep. I’d never tell you

there is a never a time when I don’t love you. I’d never tell you that. I’d never tell you

there’s nothing I wouldn’t do if you asked. I’d never tell you that.

I dreamed I killed you and immediately brought you back to life.

I dreamed you were fat and unhappy and sorry and I loved you still.

I dreamed you were in love with a woman who was in love with me and you were always fucking.

You were so fucking happy and I remember how good

you both made me feel in bed and all the orgasms we shared.

I dreamed you were a beautiful bohemian dred headed backpackin free spirited man and I love you still.

I dream you are a snake who only means me harm. I am a scorpion now.

I will defend myself. I am not afraid to hurt your feelings. I’ve gotten meaner

over the tears over the years

between you and I,

I love the way you said my name

the way you listened

the way you layed me back and slipped off my jeans

every Dear You, Love I

I love you most

for letting me go in love

without a fight.

audio version