What I like about school is that I am in an environment where I can clearly see people change and grow. A lot of my classmates I have known for a year or more. We are all so changed yet still us. I am more confident in some ways. I have more understanding of things. In my coursework, my personal life, my actual abilities. My ability to think, comprehend, process, and share has improved.
Working with kids, whether volunteering or as a child care worker has aided in this realization. I am primarily with 3-5 year olds. Little kids grow so fast and gain so much knowledge about themselves and the world in such a small amount of time. You can see it in their physical growth but also in their social, mental, emotional patterns and expressions.
I’ve always studied and read on my own, whether I was in school or not. I still do. I am currently studying geography, the art of reading, short story analysis, and human physiology/anatomy, music, and just starting an introduction to Jewish History. Even listing these is sort of funny because I’m actually doing more than that. My official credited class this summer is AMSL 4.
Why am I so secretive sometimes about what I do with my time?
I feel that if people knew, they would expect more from me and/or think I was some sort of a freak. I already feel alienated sometimes and when I’m with people I just want to blend and for things to be easy. Community is important. I don’t want to be set apart or made different. I don’t want to be put on high or stomped to the ground just for being who I am. I am sensitive and have a fear of rejection.
I study a lot but feel a bit guilty that I am not sharing the information or giving back. This is not the right phrasing or exactly what I mean. Studying/learning is something I do for fun and personal enjoyment. Acquiring and sifting through information. The last few days I have been really lonely. Well..maybe the past week or two. Part of that loneliness comes from not being able to engage with real life people. My housemates aren’t here. Part of the loneliness comes from not having anyone to talk to about what I am studying. People are important to my well being.
Financially, I live well below the poverty line. In relationships, I am wealthy. I know many kind, generous, loving people. Some take me out to dinner, or give me snacks. Loads give me encouragement through the written word. Texts or messages on my FB, or email. The people that I know who are more drama filled than I want to deal with are nice enough to leave me be. Those relationships, some with family members and acquaintances are sort of just chilling. Sort of like being in quarantine. For my personal happiness and so I can function at my best it is best for me not to engage with certain types. I am in a like vibration like vibration phase in my life. I call it like like. It’s not about thinking the same things or doing the same things. It’s more of an energy thing. A love first type energy. A respect type energy. A striving to improve oneself type energy. A just be you type energy. A go with the flow of life and be happy type energy. A change type energy.
Lots of us have a difficult time with change but it is the most constant thing in all of creation. Nothing stays the same. Change is consistent. It can always be relied upon, whether people are conscious of it or not, whether people want it or not. I resist change out of fear. Fear of the unknown. How different are things going to be? Can I handle it?
My life is nothing like I thought it would be externally. But inside, I am more alive, aware, and myself than I have ever been. I am seeing what I can do with all this life. All this opportunity.
What gets me down sometimes is that I feel like I am failing at the physical reality part. I need to go the dentist. I will possibly be able to go next month. San Diego just passed a health care thing. As an individual making less than 1300 a month I am eligible. I found out about it from a Mental Health Care clinic I receive services at. I am making $0 this month. July is the only month this year that I will have received no check. Fall semester starts in 4 weeks and I will receive a little financial aid to help me out a bit. It will be enough for books and to pay rent and pay two friends back who helped me cover some of my rent back in Spring Semester. I am glad about that.
My two jobs are related with school and they start back up in the fall too. One of them I don’t want to go back to. I love the environment and the people but it is bookstore customer service. I want to work with kids. If I must work, I want to work in a way that engages my skills and is of interest to me. I notice when I do things I like/love, I always have energy for them. When I do things that I don’t like or things out of obligation I just drudge through them and I feel miserable. Sometimes the bookstore has hardly any customers and there’s nothing to do really.That won’t be true in a few weeks time!! But now, it’s super dead. To be at work and have no work drives me batty. I can be doing something else in that time. So, it’s not that I don’t like working or am lazy or anything. I just want to work when I am at work and I want to be payed well. The bookstore pays a little over $8/h, which is ridiculous. I want to be able to use my talents/gifts at work and be appreciated for my contribution. I am an assest to any place that I work at. So, yeh..
I’ve rambled a bit. Just wanted to update and share a bit.
Happy Sunday to those of you who read this today or on a Sunday
Happy ? Day to the rest of ya’ll.