I’ve finally made it to the computer lab at school. I thought I would be here everyday this summer but it’s turning out to be not so much. We don’t have the internet where I’m staying. The computer lab at school is open 7a-5p this summer and during the school year it’s open 7am -10pm. I usually work at night 8 to close or 7 to close and so I’m basically just off schedule. The weather here in San Diego has been beautiful the past few weeks and who wants to be in doors in the library in a computer lab during daylight hours of blue blue sky, a nice breeze, an a couple close beaches just 20 minutes away! There. That’s my justification, my explanation, my perfectly legitimate excuses.
Another truth is..I don’t know what I want to do with this blog anymore. I don’t know what I want to write about. My writing for the Clarion West Write-a-thon is getting done. Many thanks to all who have sponsored me! (I am still seeking sponsors) I am meeting my goal of 5 days a week, one hour per day. My average daily output is between 1400-1500 words. I had an all time high of 1887 the other day. The amount of words don’t really matter though. The only reason I know my word count is because Word counts them (ha ha! computer humor *winks*). I am writing a lot but I am not saying what I really want to say. I’m having a hard time accessing my inner voice? I know why.
I talked to A.C. (my girlfriend) about it this morning, around 4am after waking from a dream. I am afraid if I work like I’m used to working, which is mainly writing, studying, then I won’t have time for us. I can spend many many hours in the day listening to music, movies, reading, and writing and be happy. But what I was missing was a loving real flesh and blood person to share my life with. To share my body with. To share my thoughts with. And now that I am in such a good relationship I don’t know how to do all the things I want to do or am used to doing. I am not the same person I was before but this new me is not solid yet. I have a steady quiet peace when I’m with her. I have also a steady flow of anxiety. Money issues, realizing I need my own room, wondering what to do about school (which will be a whole other post!), worrying about if we don’t spend as much time together will this all fall apart? She reassured me that she understands and we’ll make adjustments. We don’t know what the future will be like. We don’t. We just need to keep our communication open. And I’ll have to figure out what best works for me as far as being a boyfriend, lover, friend, playmate with a woman I love who loves me and doing the other things I really enjoy, like writing, studying, laying around in the grass, wandering around stores and streets and so on…so many things. I guess I just miss myself and I need to make time for myself.
Yesterday. A.C. had a birthday celebration to attend. So she left around 1115a and was gone til about 10p. Her mom left shortly before her and was home about 10 minutes before she got back and her other roommate was gone all day too! So I was able to spend the day with myself and I had the house to myself. I washed my clothes earlier that morning. I folded them, did self massage and a light yoga session while watching a couple episodes of Glee! (The Christmas one from S2 where Blaine and Kurt sing “Baby It’s Cold Outside” *so cute* and the one before that where they are competing at their 2nd Regionals). I wrote. I went for a bike ride. Looked around the Linda Vista Farmer’s Market for the first time.
I went to the Linda Vista library and explored. It’s really nice. I think I’ll start going to their. It’s a 5 minute ride from A.C.’s place.
I got a couple movies I haven’t seen before: Nightmare Before Christmas and Boy A. I got a few books. One was about Edgar Cayce, one was Howl by Allen Ginsberg, (I read the majority of it last night and I love it so far!),
I got Howl because I miss being a Poet. I miss writing poetry. I haven’t written a good poem or a full poem I mean in like 5 months. I have all these fragments. One or two good lines. I felt inspired after reading Howl. And after having the majority of the day with myself yesterday, I feel more like myself.
I gotta get going. Today I move my stuff from a friend’s shed to a storage unit. A.C. and her mom are going to help. I have a 20 minute bike ride to get to them and then a little breakfast and then some slightly heavy lifting.
Wishing everyone a Happy Friday! ..or happy whatever day you’re reading this