The last few days my temper has been up. And I’m realizing that the last couple months I’ve been experiencing my temper more than I have in my whole life. So..what’s changed. The homeless thing, the money thing, the girlfriend thing, and not being in school. No school + no job = no money. Plus, I don’t like having no money and having a girlfriend. This month was the first month that I couldn’t help my girlfriend get her bus pass. The past couple of months I was able to. Now, I am just trying to get through the rest of the summer until I get financial aid in late August.
I am blessed for many reasons. Friends and family who love me and are supportive in all the ways they can be/choose to be. I have a girlfriend who I love who loves me. My awesome, generous friend, B.K. is letting me stay in his spare guest room until I get myself sorted. I am going to try to work with kids and get payed for it, not just volunteer work. But I am scared. Fear is up. The fear that I’ll be drained. That I’ll work but I’ll be too tired to go to class or study or hang out or write or practice my instruments..but..I’m also so over not having money and being dependent on the kindness and hospitality of a couple of my friends and my Aunt and Uncle. I need to be able to take care of myself. I want to be able to pay for a place of my own, a space of my own. And I want to be able to decorate it to my liking and I want to be able to entertain and have people over. I want a place of my own that I can come home too to replenish/renew myself. A place that I can invite my girlfriend over, where we could have privacy and not have the stress I feel when we’re hanging out at her mom’s place.
My temper is up because I’m tired and scared and confused as to what to do. What can I do to be happy and be of service and make money to support myself so that I am healthy and at my best? What?
My temper is up because it’s been hot and humid and the days seem to be, not only just going by, going by, going by, but melt, melt, melting away.
My temper is up because of my stupid stupid binder. It’s falling apart old. Small holes on the sides and it’s not flattening my chest like it used to and it hurts and cuts into my skin and shoulders and my back aches. When it’s on and I extend my fingers to draw or write or type I feel the restriction of my blood flow and I know it’s not healthy And I feel restricted overall when I wear it but if I don’t I feel too exposed, unsafe, and completely dysphoric. When will I be able to afford chest reconstructive surgery? When?
My temper is up because it seems to take a major amount of talking to myself to get me out of my negative loopy emotions and thoughts. And I feel tired of talking to myself, trying to convince myself that everything is okay and that I don’t need to worry and that these things are just temporary. I’m tired ya’ll.
My temper is up because even though our relationship is good when we’re together, when we’re apart for more than a day I start feeling insecure. I’ve never been this way before in a relationship. I am learning that it’s better that we have that day or two apart than to see each other every day and deal with the little frustrations that come up because one of us is hungry or tired or stressed about money or whatever else that comes up to be stressed about. Blah.
I’ve come to the understanding in the past two days or so that I need to take care of myself the best I can. That I can’t help my girlfriend get things done that she needs to get done or that I think she needs to get done. Such as school, finding a place to do some volunteer work, getting a permit to get a California Driver’s License..etc. I need to mind my own business and live my life and better my life and let her live hers. I’ll help if I’m asked, be there for her when she asks, but I can’t live her life for her or do for her what she can do/needs to do for herself. It’s hard enough to lift my own weight. Dig?
I realize that what I need in a relationship is communication and attention. I need to feel as though I’m important. I want to talk with her more than I talk with anyone else and it’s not happening that way and..I have to accept that. I have to accept that this is how it is and that this is what we have now. And maybe that’s what friends and acquaintances are for. One person can’t be your everything and I know that. I do. Aaarg.
Sometimes, sometimes, I don’t feel that I am as important to her as she is to me and..how did I ever get to be sooo needy. I know she loves me. I see it when she looks at me and when we are in each other’s arms. There’s no doubt about it. And I love her. I just seem to be emotionally needier or something. And I’m afraid if I stop feeling this way, I may just stop caring at all. And I know that’s extreme but see, that’s the fearful thinking again. And we’ve talked about this a bit but I think the main thing is that other people are merely reflections of how we feel about ourselves. And maybe I need to pay more attention to myself. I need to journal more. I need to ask myself the hard questions and answer them honestly. More honestly than I have been. And I need to have more faith in myself and my ability change things. I need to allow for change.
My temper is up right now because I feel too sensitive and confused and lost and everything I think of seems like I’ve thought it before. Boredom, perhaps?
I feel like my Chinese Astrology sign. Earth Horse. Horse in a gate. Horse fenced in. I want to run. I want to run, run, run! I want to run away but there’s nowhere to run away to.
My temper is up because maybe, just maybe, I’ve never really been able to deal with it before and now that I am experiencing it..well..at least I’m experiencing it. Letting it be. Writing about it.