These are recent conversations I’ve had with D via letters and texts in the past 24 hours. Last night I left her the following letter.
Thank you for coming to me with the option/solution of using the $500.00 deposit for November’s rent. I will be out by December 1st. I’d like to formally request that there be no more smoking on the balcony because the smoke fills my room. I’d also like to request that no more drug paraphernalia be left in the common spaces. In regards to the kitchen and the dishes, I don’t understand what was happening yesterday. There seems to be some sort of disconnect with how you want things to be and how things actually are. If the dishes were cleaned as you cook or put away from the dishwasher after they are dried in actuality I’d never see dishes in the sink or anyplace outside of their places in the cabinets or drawers. The way you keep your kitchen is up to you. My only request was a clean kitchen to start the day off and we’ve spoken about that in the past and you have complied for the most part. Thank you. But I don’t think the inconsistency that I have been witness to in the past 7 weeks should be so easily, so conveniently forgotten at your whim. When you spoke to me briefly yesterday afternoon I thought it was unfair and I felt frustrated and angry.
Please let’s keep it civil between us these last few days of living together. Neither of us have intentionally set out to harm the other and we’re both good souls and good people. Thank you for reading.
This morning when I woke up she had sent me this text:
Evan, I feel so sad for you. You seen lost in many ways. I hope you find your way soon. I have been kind to you..but I don’t feel you have done the same. you hurt me. And now, I’m indifferent to you. Not that any of that should matter to you but, I think you should learn to be more understanding of others, and work on excepting instead of expecting. I don’t understand how someone can be so cold and rude. You have your reasons I’m sure. And I forgive you. But communication is important in any and every type of relationship, and you should have been able to come talk with me. I’ve always respected you enough to talk with you.
Me: I have a heart murmur. My throat and stomach have been hurting. Three are things going on with my family. I wrote and typed a note because that’s how I was and am able to communicate best. I have my reasons for everything. I am a designated court reporter because I volunteer and sub as a Paraeducator. I have an acquaintance who is a CPS worker. I have friends who are law students and one is a lawyer. If any of them was over that day your family life would’ve changed. I care more than you know. I am more sensitive than you know. I’ve been as good to this household as I can be. Forgiveness and compassion are always at play.
*Note* I don’t know about CPS or calling the police or anything. I really don’t. I am concerned about her son’s safety from last week when she didn’t here him crying for her at night and didn’t answer when he and I knocked on the door. And today when she had her music up really loud and her door closed and he was calling but she didn’t hear him. He started knocking on the door really loudly and she was angry because she thought it was me. It was her son, trying to get her attention. I don’t like that she was smoking marijuana on the balcony with her friend and her son was right there in the kitchen (near the patio) Sunday night. The way she parents is hard to judge. How can I? It’s hard. She’s a single mom. She does her best. They get into it. She’s thrown him around but he lands on the couch or soft chair. She may be neglectful at times, he cut his finger recently with an an apple slicer while she was on the couch on the phone, but she wouldn’t intentionally harm him I don’t think.
Me: (like two hours later):
I am aware of some of the issues you are dealing with in this life. Abandonment, betrayal, rejection, self betrayal/self rejection, abuse in many forms, trauma, pain. It’s all throughout your energetic field. This is observation and fact. This is where you are right now. I choose to move for my own health reasons. It’s what is right for me. I choose health and peace and making choices in my life that support this/myself. It is not necessary to feel sorry for me. That energy is wasted. If you are inclined, well wishes will be much appreciated. p.s. On behalf of *Juno and Azlan who Love unconditionally, neglect is a form of abuse. You love them and abuse them. It hurts and angers me to witness it. They deserve better.
*Note* Juno is a dog and Azlan is a cat. She hits them and Azlan’s back was hurt about 3 weeks ago because she threw him. She texted me with tear sad faces around 1230am one day to tell me that she thought he was hurt badly. Juno flinched when I picked up the mail and sometimes when I put her dog leash on or call her she flinches. It’s so sad. I’ve seen D hit her and scold her and a few minutes later call her to her and rub her head and tell her to sit by her. It sucks.
Later D sent this text:
7 weeks I have known you. The few times you were actually in the house and not just your room. I always listen to you ramble about things that where going on in your life. I listened, and I gave my thoughts. Not once did you Ever take the time to get to know me other than the day you moved in. You don’t know anything about me except for information I volunteered to you. Everything else is observation and perception. Everyone goes through life is stages. I am well aware that I have fucked up with my, my son, and my animals. No one is perfect, and I have been doing this all on my own. I carry my mistakes and learn from them. You hold onto so much. I will waste no more energy on you from this point. I can’t have you bring Ash over here, I have nothing against her, but neither one of you is on my lease. Don’t feel the need to say anything to me. You’re just living here for a while. (1) No need to pretend to be nice or anything. No guests. I’m not going to be fake with you, nor will I be rude. Just leave me be. Thank you Evan. Please also keep your bike either in your room or outside, you’re more than welcome to lock it up in my parking spot. Its covered. I keep my bike out of the house, in the storage. It can’t be locked in the front or on the balcony. Sorry apartment rules. (2)
1 Ash is one of my girlfriend’s nick names.
2 When I moved in I told her I had a bike and she said I could keep it in the kitchen because that’s where she kept hers. When I brought my bike over she put hers in her storage unit to make room for mine and because hers wasn’t working anyways. Rust and flat tires.
Me (way later):
Ok. I’ve called my lawyer. I’ve been advised to get through these few days. If I feel unsafe or threatened to contact the authorities. I feel confident all will be well. Thanks for the offer about the storage unit for my bike. I may take you up on it!
This was fear based on my part and pre-emptive. She was talking about having people over here tonight. Her son will be at his dad’s. She always has different guys over (one at a time, not a group of guys) and they drink and drug. I just don’t want any trouble.
Wow. I would never endanger anyone’s safety. You could always just stay some where else seeing as you feel so unsafe. Wow Evan…stop. You’re asking for drama. It’s simple. If you’re unhappy with your situation, leave. No one said you have to stay here, if I am causing you so much stress remove yourself. At least You have that option. I told you before…Leave Me Alone. I’m trying to be nice to you Evan, stop making it so difficult.
I didn’t say you would! Nor would I. I feel by saying all of the sudden I can’t have guest over, that you are being controlling and restrictive and isolating me. A friend was coming over to do Math. You said my deposit covers November rent. Stop making things so difficult. I’ll leave soon. I understand you are hurting. I’ll only contact you in case of emergency or in response to you. Peace.
You can take it how ever you want. I told you from the get go that you can be just be the dude that rents the room or you can be a roommate/friend. You’re actions and words tell me you’re just the guy that rents the room. I don’t want anyone at my house. I’m not isolating or controlling anything. You don’t have to be here. You can kick it with your friends some other place. Not at my home.
I can dig it. If I were your friend I could have people over and because I chose not to be so I can’t all of the sudden. I understand completely.
No, you’re not even suppose to be in my house to begin with bc the leasing office doesn’t know about you, so why would I risk you bringing over more people when you’re about to move out anyway. I don’t understand, you don’t like being around here, but you want to bring over people. This is the first time you’re having someone over that isn’t Ash. You will not bring people over to my house. Thank you. I have nothing left to say to you except, I need your keys the day you move. Peace out, Evan.
Gina asked me this morning because we got our test back and I got a 99 and got a 77. Finals are around the corner. Just bad timing We’ll figure it out of course. Not allowing Ashley over however is vindictive. You keep talking about the lease and the leasing office but if I were your friend and continuing to live here and pay rent I doubt you’d be so spiteful. Your expectations of me were not met. It’s disappointing. It’s also a bit ironic and amusing to be in so much contact today! I will leave the spare keys when I leave. No problem D. Peace.
Lots of words and drama for the day. But I actually feel better. I had been holding a lot in. I don’t like trouble or confrontation but Ive done alright. The world didn’t end. *sigh* Now to rest a bit and later homework.