Why am I here? and Why are you there? and Why are we not together?
The night time is my time. It’s when I feel most alive and most like myself. It is quiet and comforting. The darkness around me gives me a sense of security. I like to walk the streets at night. Anytime after 10pm but before 2am. I don’t do much night time walking anymore. I usually get back to the place I’m staying between 11 and midnight. My friend leaves the door unlocked for me. I can’t just drop my backpack off and leave again. I feel stuck. All I can do is shower and go to bed. A good majority of my nights are spent not sleeping at my gf’s house. It’s usually really hot and the mattress we sleep on is small and uncomfortable. She’s usually passed out from plain old tiredness or sex induced tiredness and on average I wake up at least two times a night. Mostly around 2 am or 3 am. Usually I am waiting for the sun to come up. Sometimes I’ll manage to go back to sleep. Sometimes she’ll wake up to and talk with me. Sometimes, if her mom isn’t home, I’ll go downstairs and write or put on a movie or something.
I haven’t been really writing on the blog because I haven’t known what to say. I am dealing with dark things right now. Anger, suppressed violence, loss/grief, fear. I’ve been stressed and my mental space has been..I don’t know. Hard to organize? It’s funny how being in a loving relationship has brought out the shadow side in me. All my demons want to dance. I’ve been afraid that these feelings will spill into my life and ruin it somehow but to be honest, they’re already here. On the inside and just near the surface. The thing is, if I write about it, it makes it real, but it also releases that energy, those memories, those stories told to me by others about their past experiences of abuse and my own stories. My own dark nights of the soul. If I face my inner self and witness what is there, it’ll be less of an internal nightmare and maybe I’ll stop having so many nightmares. I’m hoping that when I deal with my “dark side” I’ll experience some of the peace that eludes me now.