Category Archives: Transition

Another Place

Posted by Evan on

A friend picked me up from school tonight, a little after 10p. We drove to my gf’s place to pick up my stuff. My stuff: a small canvas backpack, a small tote bag mostly filled with dirty clothes from this week, a small duffel bag full of my school books, and a larger duffel bag filled with my clothes and grooming stuff. My friend has a room in a 6 bedroom house. It’s a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I’m staying in his room tonight.I’m sleeping on a comfy duvet. He’ll introduce me to the woman who owns the house tomorrow and maybe I’ll be able to sleep on the couch for the duration of my stay here. Which may be just a couple nights. He’s trying to find another place for me that has more space and privacy. By next weekend or the week after I should have my financial aid and I’ll be able to rent a room for May and maybe June and if I get the deposit back from my old place I’ll be able to rent a room for June and maybe July.

Yesterday, I went to my old clinic and asked to be put on the waiting list for a therapist. I decided that I want to talk to a therapist and get an official diagnosis for gender identity disorder. I started my medical transition at a clinic that allows a person to start without a therapist letter. It’s an informed consent clinic. There are clinics in Los Angeles and San Francisco too and I’m sure New York and other major cities. Informed consent is saying that I’m an adult and I understand what I’m doing with my body. I chose the informed consent route because I didn’t want anyone therapist acting as a gatekeeper to such an important, personal, completely life altering/affirming decision. To start my transition at the clinic, I had to have an interview and a full physical work up, blood work, papsmear. They want to make sure you’re healthy enough to take the hormones and also establish a baseline so they can monitor what’s going on in future. During this time, I found out I had a heart murmur. To get the prescription I had to write a 5 year life plan. I got the script a couple months after I had started going to the clinic and I started injecting testosterone on June 3rd 2009.

Last fall when I was going through a hard time it was all transition related. I am estranged from my parents. My only sibling and I are just recently starting to reconnect, I’ve been dealing with poverty. If I can’t afford the dentist, clothes, eye exams, food, an apartment, how can I even think about surgery (chest reconstructive surgery)? I’m just so absolutely over wearing a binder. A binder is what I used to flatten my chest so it appears male looking. It restricts my breathing and cuts off blood flow to my arms and fingers. I’m out all day usually and last fall I didn’t want to go to school or leave the house really because I didn’t want to put on the binder. Recently I’ve been bringing a baggy sweat shirt and a button down shirt and taking off the binder when the sun goes down. Most people are gone and the people who are still on campus are not paying any attention to me. I mostly stay in the computer lab until the library closes or in the piano practice rooms.

I’ve really gone off on a tangent here. Back to the Gender Identity Disorder diagnosis. My being a transsexaul and my transition is affecting my physical and mental health. My self esteem and confidence are affected. My main worries before starting transition were whether or not anyone would ever love me and if I could support myself through transition. That’s one of the reasons I went back to school. So as to get an education with the hopes that I’d be able to find work in a field of interest that fills a social need and I’d be able to financially take care of myself. If I hadn’t transitioned I wouldn’t be alive today. Period. I had done all I could to try to live the life I lived before and I just couldn’t anymore. Even with the mess that goes along with being trans and queer in this society, it’s been worth it because ever since I started T..well it feels like bonus life. But last fall, especially last fall, and sometimes now, I find myself thinking, “I can’t afford to live.” I can’t afford life. It’s a false thought. Obviously false. Because I’m here, Dear ___ I’m here. I have learned to live off of so little. It’s truly amazing. But I want to live better. I want to be healthier. I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last 4 months. Stress eating. Junk eating. Late night eating. Wanting to have something to hold me here. Hold me down. Wanting to be solid and heavy and here and present. But my nature, my inner nature is light and spacey and free, and joy filled. I don’t want to be afraid like I’ve been afraid this week. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

Not having a place is scary. Being dependent on other people’s kindness/charity is too. I’m trying to find the lesson in this so as not to repeat myself. It’s hard to think properly though because I’m in it and life keeps on happening. I’ve made it through the week. Almost. I’ve gone to all my classes. I didn’t turn in a paper in one of them but my teacher said I could turn it in late. I have a test tomorrow in Astronomy. It’s the 2nd of 3 tests for the semester. There’s a lot of material. I’m about 60% prepared for it. But it’s not for another 11 hours. If I get a couple more hours in I’ll be fine. I can pull off a B at least. I’m hoping. For the first test I missed 3 and I set the curve so I have 100% in the class. All my homework I’ve gotten A’s and attendance is 12% of our grade and I haven’t missed a class.

School is my lifeline right now. If ever I am a teacher, I’ll be more than aware that sometimes for some students, school is the safest, most caring, place they know and my awareness will dictate my behavior. One of the things that comes out of hardships is the compassion that is developed for others and one’s Self.

Gratitude:
School.
My friend for picking me up and letting me stay in his room with him and offering to help me find a place for next week.
My gf for having let me stay at her place for the past 6 days and her friend who said I could stay at her and her mom’s place if I need to.
The netbook that I’m typing on that my Aunt gave me. I don’t know if I mentioned this but my cousin bought my Aunt a new laptop and she gave me her old netbook which she didn’t like. It’s been sitting in her closet for almost 5 months and now it’s mine. I’m really digging it. My computer is 8 years old and has been chilling in my friend’s shed along with my printer since April 1st.
I am thankful for the blue sky and being able to lay on the grass this afternoon and study and nap for 35 minutes.
I am thankful for the good times my gf and I share, especially the conversation we had this morning and early afternoon on a wide range of topics.
I am thankful for our physical chemistry/relationship too.
I am thankful to the actors and creators of Switched At Birth. I watched one and a half episodes tonight while taking two online quizzes for my music class. It’s a great show and really comforting. I’ve been signing more! because of it. I have 2 and half more episodes of Season 1 and then I’ll be scouring the earth or waiting very patiently for the Season 2 DVD release.
I am thankful for my class tonight. We were talking about communication and how to be an effective communicator. Our professor let us out an hour and a half early because he needed to catch a train to go to a conference tomorrow. Being let out of class early is what enabled me to watch/listen to Switched At Birth tonight.
I am grateful for MTS (bus/trolley system) for getting me around.
I am grateful for my inner resilience.
I am grateful for Spotify and my Glee playlist.
I am thankful for my relationship with a friend who lives near “where Dorothy left on her way to Oz” and or mutual love for Dr. Who *hugs*
I am thankful for the internet and the connections that are made through it.

Home: Searching

Posted by Evan on

A place to stay. To rest and rejuvenate. To wake up at. A place to do yoga, self massage, relax, read, do some writing, a little homework. A place that’s a buffer between the whole wide world and me.

I moved out of the apartment I was living at on Sunday. I had to move. The situation was not good for me at all. Luckily April 1st was day 2 into my Spring Break. It’s been a bit stressful but I’m okay at present. I have been looking for a place for a couple of weeks but didn’t find anything that I could afford that was in a safe or okay neighborhood. My old roommates were nice enough to let me put my stuff in the shed out back. Another friend is storing my desktop computer and my awesome printer that currently has no ink. First I’ll find a place to live, move, and then I’ll buy replacement ink cartridges.

My cousin and his gf and another friend helped me move my stuff. I had been gone for a couple days and when I got back Sunday morning to pack (I can pack in 3-4 hours. I’ve moved so much I’m an expert!) I saw that the elevator was broken! I usually take the back way. Apparently it had been broken since Friday. I live on the 4th Floor so…yeh, not fun, but we got it done. My cousin and his gf besides helping me move, came down to drive me to my Aunt and Uncle’s for Spring Break. I’ve mainly spent the week hanging out with my 8 year old cousin and my Aunt and Uncle. On Tuesday and Wednesday night I watched the last Harry Potter films. I got back to San Diego yesterday afternoon and am staying with my girlfriend (yes, I have a girlfriend now!) for the weekend. If I can’t find a place this weekend I’ll hopefully be able to stay with a friend near school next week and hopefully find a place next weekend. I’m expecting a check and it’ll help out. But it isn’t due to arrive until anywhere between the 14th and the 17th and then soon after that the last of my financial aid for the semester.

I have hw that I need to be doing but I’m stressed about not having a place. My gf lives in a small studio. It’s not really clean and it’s good for her but not for two and not for me to be staying at. I’m grateful that I can stay there the weekend but I woke up this morning and left to run errands and just feel that I need to find a place as soon as I can. I’m at The Center right now and a couple people I volunteer with are going to send messages to their friends who are renting rooms. The rooms are sort of far away and I don’t know about the bus/trolley routes but I’m glad that they’ll be asking their friends and getting back to me.

San Diego Transgender Day of Empowerment is tonight. I’m looking forward to seeing people that I only see once or twice a year, mostly at events like this. One of my friends is speaking tonight. My gf is getting all dressed up and I don’t have any dress up clothes. They’re in storage and I don’t feel like dressing up and I don’t know if she minds. I don’t think she will. This is our first public event. Sort of a coming out to our community. I think she’s nervous. I’m not. I have too many things going on right now. I may write a blog at another time of how we came to be but for now I just want to say that it’s surprising that we’re together and that it is good in many ways. I am happy.

Today I have lots to do. There’s hw I have but it’s stuff that I wanted to do to get ahead so the last few weeks of school will be less busy. But now I have to adjust to what really needs to be done. I have a paper due Tuesday at 630. I need to read at least 60 pages of one of the books before I get started. It’s only a 4 page paper and is totally doable if I buckle down and do it. I want to draw or color and write too. I’m going to look on Craigslist some more and see if I see anything that fits me. Hopefully my old roommate finds a new person to rent the room to in the next few days so I can get my deposit back. If I get the deposit back I’ll have the money to rent a room no problem.

If you’re inclined. Send good thoughts to my situation.

Gratitude:
I am grateful to my Aunt and Uncle, cousins and my cousin’s gf, I am thankful for my gf and our new relationship, I am thankful for my ability to stay positive in the midst of the unknown and not having a place to live, I am thankful for technology in general. I am thankful for The Center and the cybercenter (computer room) within the center. I am thankful for the awesome people I volunteer with. I am grateful for the beautiful blue sky that is awaiting me when I step outside. I am thankful for Jim Dale’s reading of The Harry Potter series. It’s extremely comforting. I’ve been listening to the entire series consecutively since I got out of the hospital in December. I’m almost at the end of The Half Blood Prince (book 6) now. I am thankful for Water for hydrating me and cleansing me.

Happy Friday All!