Tag Archives: self care

Melancholy

Posted by Evan on

My feeling last night was one of melancholy. The day was fading into night and I wanted some sort of human connection. I wanted to see my gf and hold her hand and just be quiet for awhile. But it was Sunday and the bus schedule is limited. We would’ve had to meet downtown. And she doesn’t like downtown at night and she didn’t want to rely on the last bus getting her home. She offered to get together 1st thing the next morning. Breakfast or Lunch. But I have errands. Dr’s. appointments and other things and I’m nursing my moods. My moods are all over the place. I don’t know how I’ll feel one day to the next. I am not really making hard plans with anyone. I don’t want to really talk about anything and I don’t want to bring anyone down. She offered to tag along while I run my errands but I politely told her no. For me, it’s faster if I do it alone. I don’t know how much waiting will be involved. I don’t have any money to stop to eat if she get’s hungry or buy her a drink or anything. There’s food at the house I’m staying so I eat before I leave the house. It would be too stressful. And besides I don’t want to spend the whole day with her. I’m more about the quality of our time together and less about the quantity. I’m too moody. I don’t feel well.

The last three days I’ve spent primarily with myself and it’s allowed me to be more myself. I feel familiar to myself again. But then I think about the line in I Heart Huckabees, “How am I not myself.” Like seriously, when am I not myself. All that I experience is aspects of myself. The truth is I’m learning how to be alone with me again and I may be taking it too far. I’ll find my balance but right now I feel the need to be with myself. To see what I’m thinking. To listen to my heart and make plans and decisions for my near future that are in line with my soul purpose and what will ultimately help me live a more fulfilling life on my terms.

I ended up going downtown and walking around some. I used 3 dollars cash and the last of my Cal Fresh to buy a chicken salad sandwich and a chocolate almond candy bar. I rode the 2 bus home (36 min trip) and really wished I could hold hands with someone. I didn’t want to be held or kissed or talked to or made love to. I specifically wanted someone’s hand in mine. A gentle squeeze. A physical connection with another to stave off this incredible loneliness I’ve been feeling recently. The loneliness that I find is less about being lonely and more of a melancholy feeling. Slightly depressed. I know it’s hormonal and brain chemistry and all that. I’ve been eating too much sugar and sleeping more than I have in months. I also know that it is temporary. Melancholy is the opposite of Joy. I know this spectrum. I am hoping to move to being pensive soon. Pensive, meaning, thoughtful with just a smidge of sadness. Then I hope to be neutral, content, joyful, happy, accepting, kind to myself and others in my life. I find myself being more critical in my mind of others and I don’t like that. I would like a peaceful mind.

I tweeted about wanting to hold someone’s hand. I didn’t FB it because for some reason I didn’t want to face (ha ha) an outpouring of sympathy or questions and I didn’t want to embarrass my gf. Less people I know are on my twitter and not a lot of people I know in my physical life read this blog. A friend of mine read my tweet and responded almost immediately. She suggested I comfort myself and so I sought to do just that.

A song title popped into my head. “Swing Low, Swing Chariot” (thank you guides) and I googled it. It’s an old negro spiritual. The Etta James version came up. I was expecting it to be sad and woeful, like I was feeling, but it surprised me and I laughed and smiled and my spirit was lifted. I then listened to a few more recorded versions on Spotify. Louis Armstrong, The Staple Sisters, BB. King, and Sam Cooke. So far, Etta’s and Sam’s are my favorite. There is a sense of good time fun. Such a contrast to the I’m-so-tired-of-everything-and-I’m-ready-to-go mindset.

I got off the bus and walked for about 20 minutes. It was close to 10p at this point. When I got home I felt better. I wrote out my gratitude for the day and got in bed with my Kindle and started reading the 2nd book in the trilogy Hunger Games. I hadn’t been able to get past the first couple pages in months. Every time I started to read it I’d get bored and put it down. Last night I read and read and read. I was up to 3am. No one held my hand last night but I made it through and I went to bed comforted and woke up ready to face the day ahead.

Here’s the song that me feel better. Enjoy!

A Good Day

Posted by Evan on

I have a had a good day today. I didn’t do the usual morning massage and yoga. I wrote and played with my phone. The other day the download for ice cream (new operating system) was installed on my phone. It’s trippy. It’s like having a brand new phone. There’s so much awesomeness. Playing with my phone (Droid Razr) this morning I discovered that I can tether my phone, via usb cord, to my netbook that my Aunt gave me, and have internet. So yay! I have internet! now. We have it here at the house I’m staying at right now but it’s only 1 bar and it drops out a lot. It’s not at all worth getting on.

After that happy discovery, I realized that the day was getting away from me so I headed out to run my only errand for the day. I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Somewhere last week, going back and forth between my gf’s place and my friend’s place, I lost a pair of contacts!!! and one of my medications. Luckily I split the medication into two bottles and have one in each back pack. The sucky thing is that there were only 3 pills left in the bottle I have and I needed 6 more to get me through the weekend until I can call my Dr’s office on Monday. Long story, short. The pharmacist gave me enough for a whole week! so that got taken care of.

The pharmacy is downtown, next door to my old apartment. I ran into my former neighbor and we caught up a bit. I am going through a major inner transformation right now. I am getting in touch with my inner power, individuality, creative self expression and so on. It feels like being born and dying all at once. There has been anxiety, peace, nausea!, tiredness, depression, reflection, thoughtfulness, surrender, and feelings of loneliness. My neighbor and I talked about that and talked about how these inner changes affect our relationships. It’s interesting in the sense that it’s not something that can be stopped once it starts and sometimes relationships fall apart.

My relationship with my gf is going through some changes. Or the way that I am thinking about our relationship is changing. I am feeling differently. I love her. I know that I am committed to her. But in my mind the past couple of days I’ve been critical of things related to the way she is and how she interacts with me sometimes and how I interact with her. I am seeing things/us more clearly and I’m able to tell myself the truth about her, about me, and about our relationship. Every time we have an issue or I have a problem with some encounter we’ve had, I find myself running to another friend of mine for comfort. I keep wondering if I am making too big a deal out of some things. I am sometimes. I am assuming too much, which is unfair and I am not talking with her to clarify things and I am not telling her what I need. I am shutting down and closing myself off.

I am feeling the age difference between us more. The different stages in life we are in. I am accepting things the way they are and choosing each moment to continue on this path of love and discovery. Nothing really bad is happening. There are just little things that we need to talk about so that they don’t fester and become bigger things that could potentially poison what we have and what we are trying to build. We will talk about these things when we next we see each other. We texted tonight but I didn’t go to her place like I usually do. I think time apart will do us good. It’s been two days since I’ve seen her. I feel healthier and more focused. I feel stronger inside. More myself.

But I don’t feel happier or more joyful (which is more more My Self!). I have a few moments here and there but I think I’m feeling sad inside. Lonely. Disillusioned? I’m not sure. A friend of mine says I’ve changed. I have. Loving someone like I love her and being loved by her has changed me. It hasn’t taken me away from myself. It’s helped me become more comfortable with who I am. I am learning to love in the moment.I am learning how to deal with my insecurities. I am learning how to deal with another person’s moods and my moods in relation to hers. I have had ideas about how I want my relationships to be. I’d like a bit more togetherness. Working on something together, whether that be getting healthier, learning something new, a hobby, collaborating on some art project. I’ve learned that I still have to live my life and do what I need to do for me, whether I’m in a loving relationship or not. She cannot be my anchor. She cannot be the person that makes me feel grounded and needed and present. She’s not that type of woman. I have to be that for myself.

In our relationship so far, I’ve learned to follow my intuition more. I am more in tune with my energy and the energy of others around me and my environment than I have ever been in my life. I’ve gotten a chance to experience myself as generous within the context of a loving relationship with another. She receives me well. I haven’t had this effortless feeling of giving, this feeling of generosity to the one I’m in a relationship with, since my 1st reciprocal love. My other relationships I was always holding back. Always a clear limit to what I would give. I am learning about boundaries in other ways. I am learning to attend to my own needs. I can’t expect her to care for me more that she cares for herself and I can’t expect her to care more for me than I care for me. So, I guess I am also learning to let go of expectations.

Besides all this self reflection, I walked a lot, lot, lot. The sun was shining bright and the sky was a gorgeous blue. It felt good each time my foot hit the pavement.

I texted with a couple friends I haven’t seen in over two months. I went by another former neighbor’s place to pick up my jacket I left at her place last Saturday. I went to the library. I hung out at a coffee shop for a couple of hours.

I had a lot of ideas while walking and riding the bus today and I’ve been writing down ideas and my thoughts using a couple different notebook apps on my phone.

I’ve just been chilling here at my friend’s place for the last few hours. I’ve watched some episodes of S1 Battlestar Galactica, drank a little water, eaten a little of my lemon pudding cake, and I’ve been messing around changing themes on my Google Chrome and adding apps from the Chrome Store on the main page. Geek stuff. ha ha.

When I woke up this morning I had no expectations of how the day would unfold. I was open to wander around and follow my feet, my heart, and mind where they would lead. They lead me here.

It has been a very good day.