My feeling last night was one of melancholy. The day was fading into night and I wanted some sort of human connection. I wanted to see my gf and hold her hand and just be quiet for awhile. But it was Sunday and the bus schedule is limited. We would’ve had to meet downtown. And she doesn’t like downtown at night and she didn’t want to rely on the last bus getting her home. She offered to get together 1st thing the next morning. Breakfast or Lunch. But I have errands. Dr’s. appointments and other things and I’m nursing my moods. My moods are all over the place. I don’t know how I’ll feel one day to the next. I am not really making hard plans with anyone. I don’t want to really talk about anything and I don’t want to bring anyone down. She offered to tag along while I run my errands but I politely told her no. For me, it’s faster if I do it alone. I don’t know how much waiting will be involved. I don’t have any money to stop to eat if she get’s hungry or buy her a drink or anything. There’s food at the house I’m staying so I eat before I leave the house. It would be too stressful. And besides I don’t want to spend the whole day with her. I’m more about the quality of our time together and less about the quantity. I’m too moody. I don’t feel well.
The last three days I’ve spent primarily with myself and it’s allowed me to be more myself. I feel familiar to myself again. But then I think about the line in I Heart Huckabees, “How am I not myself.” Like seriously, when am I not myself. All that I experience is aspects of myself. The truth is I’m learning how to be alone with me again and I may be taking it too far. I’ll find my balance but right now I feel the need to be with myself. To see what I’m thinking. To listen to my heart and make plans and decisions for my near future that are in line with my soul purpose and what will ultimately help me live a more fulfilling life on my terms.
I ended up going downtown and walking around some. I used 3 dollars cash and the last of my Cal Fresh to buy a chicken salad sandwich and a chocolate almond candy bar. I rode the 2 bus home (36 min trip) and really wished I could hold hands with someone. I didn’t want to be held or kissed or talked to or made love to. I specifically wanted someone’s hand in mine. A gentle squeeze. A physical connection with another to stave off this incredible loneliness I’ve been feeling recently. The loneliness that I find is less about being lonely and more of a melancholy feeling. Slightly depressed. I know it’s hormonal and brain chemistry and all that. I’ve been eating too much sugar and sleeping more than I have in months. I also know that it is temporary. Melancholy is the opposite of Joy. I know this spectrum. I am hoping to move to being pensive soon. Pensive, meaning, thoughtful with just a smidge of sadness. Then I hope to be neutral, content, joyful, happy, accepting, kind to myself and others in my life. I find myself being more critical in my mind of others and I don’t like that. I would like a peaceful mind.
I tweeted about wanting to hold someone’s hand. I didn’t FB it because for some reason I didn’t want to face (ha ha) an outpouring of sympathy or questions and I didn’t want to embarrass my gf. Less people I know are on my twitter and not a lot of people I know in my physical life read this blog. A friend of mine read my tweet and responded almost immediately. She suggested I comfort myself and so I sought to do just that.
A song title popped into my head. “Swing Low, Swing Chariot” (thank you guides) and I googled it. It’s an old negro spiritual. The Etta James version came up. I was expecting it to be sad and woeful, like I was feeling, but it surprised me and I laughed and smiled and my spirit was lifted. I then listened to a few more recorded versions on Spotify. Louis Armstrong, The Staple Sisters, BB. King, and Sam Cooke. So far, Etta’s and Sam’s are my favorite. There is a sense of good time fun. Such a contrast to the I’m-so-tired-of-everything-and-I’m-ready-to-go mindset.
I got off the bus and walked for about 20 minutes. It was close to 10p at this point. When I got home I felt better. I wrote out my gratitude for the day and got in bed with my Kindle and started reading the 2nd book in the trilogy Hunger Games. I hadn’t been able to get past the first couple pages in months. Every time I started to read it I’d get bored and put it down. Last night I read and read and read. I was up to 3am. No one held my hand last night but I made it through and I went to bed comforted and woke up ready to face the day ahead.
Here’s the song that me feel better. Enjoy!