So..I may be moving again, soon. I mean I want to. If I could, I’d move tomorrow after class. If I can find another place, that’s a good amount for the rent and that’s transfriendly, I will.
I came out to my new roommate this past weekend. I think it was on Sunday. She’s a nice person. I’ll say that first. Her boyfriend, her boyfriend’s daughter, and 8 year old son, and I are starting to gel well. Or were? I’ve only been there a couple weeks. It’ll be 3 weeks on Saturday. During the week I am at school pretty much all day. I get home around 11 or 1130 and they are in bed by 9, usually. Last weekend was a four day weekend so I was around a lot more. I was there Friday morning and all of Sunday and the majority of Monday. We were talking and sharing more and getting to know each other and I felt safe enough to be more open about myself. I am not stealth. I am out in my life. I am happy to be who I am. I speak on college panels and in class rooms. I volunteer in my community. I mentor folk (all ages) who are questioning/have questioned their gender identity. I decided, I made a conscious decision last year, to only come out if it is relavant. To only come out if I feel like it. For instance, to a potential lover or someone I am becoming good friends with that I think if they knew they’d have a better view of the whole of me. The whole of who I am.
I am not a typical man. I live my life socially as male. To the outside world (strangers) I am a guy. Period. The end. My inner experience of gender is fluid. Sometimes I feel completely genderless. The terms Male or Female and Man and Woman or hazy to me and don’t describe me at all. Sometimes I feel like a perfect blend of both. Sometimes I feel just human. Sometimes I feel just that I am Love and Light (intelligence). Mostly I feel just like myself. Just right.
My roommate S. called me last night. I was on a break at school and we ended up talking for over an hour. She said she was feeling uncomfortable about me and what I told her and that she wanted to talk to me about that. She said she had a couple of issues.
1. I said I was bisexual and I’ve only talked about women so far. Have a slept with men? Am I sleeping with men? Because her ad specifically said no women.
I am not a woman!
Her ad said gay or bi men ok. So I read it as queer friendly. Apparently she’s insecure (she admitted it) about her boyfriend, who pretty much stays at her place, getting involved with another woman. And because I’m bi (I’m really panromantic and at this point not sexual with anyone other than me) and pre-op (her words, not mine. I’ve never used the term pre-op to define myself) she sees me as a woman. She is concerned about my female body parts and her boyfriend falling into them or something? This is entirely inconsiderate on her part.
I asked her if E. (her boyfriend) liked men and she said, no, he’s straight. And I was like, well I don’t see what the problem is. I was offended that she started off asking about my sex life and sexual orientation and basically obliterating my gender identity and dehumanizing me in the process. I became like an it and not a person. That’s how I felt and I said so later in the conversation. I told her that my body is intersexed. I have a mostly female appearing body (maybe to some) but my genitals are different and my body has all the male secondary sex characteristics. I haven’t had surgery but I want to have chest reconstruction surgery as soon as possible (like yesterday! or last year!) but I can’t afford it at this time. All of this is absolutely none of her business. At all. I’m cool, I clean, I’m barely home, and I am a loving, awesome, considerate person when all is said and done.
2. She doesn’t want to have to explain to her son what I am or who I am. Last week I was in the shower and it was late at night and he had to pee so they asked if they could come in real quick as they were already coming in! She brought up a good point. If he had seen me or sees my body at some point (why would he?!!??) then she would have to have a conversation with him that she doesn’t want to have and didn’t think she’d have to have.
I will say that, I’m pretty careful around the apartment. I am clothed at all times except in my room sometimes (I have a lock) and in the bathroom, which has a lock but apparently the lock doesn’t really work because they have an 8 year old in the house and don’t want him to ever lock himself in the bathroom. He has behavioral issues. Anyways, she goes on to say that she never thought about me, or a person like me, answering her ad and that she wished I would have said something before I moved in. I understand that. I really do and I will in future so as not to have to deal with this situation again. Lesson learned. I’ve not been in this position before. I’ve been living with a gay male couple or by myself or with genderqueer, trans friends since I started my transition medically. I’ve been on Testosterone for almost 3 years. My main ID’s have a male gender marker. My social security has my present name but doesn’t have a male marker because right now federal law bases that change on surgery status, which is bulls#(%, but that’s a whole other post.
A lot more was said. She didn’t want to sound like she was discriminating against me or judging me and as we talked more she said she could understand why I didn’t let her know. She feels like I was hiding something and feels a bit betrayed and blindsided. I pointed out that it’s a safety issue and a personal issue. I had reservations about living with someone whose boyfriend was always around. You never know how people are going to react. I also said that that thing about being a human being, a person with feelings and fears. I live in a world that for the most part thinks I’m a freak or shouldn’t be allowed to exist at all. The discrimination and hatred and violence and crap that my community has to go through is just…too much sometimes. But it’s not all bad. I have the good fortune to live at a time where I could transition medically and socially and have it be fairly easy. I have very supportive friends and acquaintances and most of my family are good with me. But there’s the whole dealing with other people’s reactions that is hard and takes its toll and is annoying at times.
I mean, if someone is bold enough to ask about my genitalia and my sex life and expect me to answer, best believe they should be willing to be questioned just the same. But it isn’t the same. Is it? There’s this sense of entitlement or superiority that comes with these types of question.
Anyways, I feel like I’m not saying everything but this was the main gist of the conversation. She just called and left another message and I am not picking up or checking that VM. I’ve already been upset for the better part of 20 hours on and off. My concentration has been off and I have reading that I need to do for my Astronomy class tomorrow and I need to answer a set of questions from the reading. And I need to eat and relax and give myself some space to just feel and think about my what my options are. Am I overreacting? and so on..
I put out feelers on some of my social networking sites looking to see if anyone is looking for a roommate or looking to rent a room or knows anyone who does. I really want to leave. She felt better after the conversation but I didn’t.
I don’t blame her at all for how she feels. She likes me as a person she said. She’s not asking me to leave. Tomorrow we are/were meeting with her manager to put me on the lease. We had decided on a trial period to see if we were compatible and we made this appointment last Friday to talk with her manager tomorrow. I don’t know what will happen. She’s said she was going to tell E. about me and we decided that her son doesn’t need to know. I don’t want to be treated differently. That’s what I am afraid of. I am definitely in flight response. I just want to find a place to stay that it is clean and that I can home to and feel comfortable. A place that I like to go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. A place where I am respected for who I am.
Such a simple thing, a place to stay. A home. A place to regenerate.
If you’re inclined, send good thoughts to this situation. I hope that this is resolved in the best way possible for all involved.