Feeling Anxious: Family Stuff

I’m feeling really anxious right now and vulnerable. Tonight my Aunt came into the TV room to tell me my mom was on her way way over to pick something up and she was closing the door. My mom doesn’t know I’m here at my Aunt and Uncle’s recuperating from top surgery that I had 3 weeks ago. My mom lives about a 5 minute drive from my Aunt’s house. I’ve been here for almost 4 weeks now. My mom and I spoken twice in the last 4 years. We haven’t spoken since last April. She doesn’t accept my transition. She says that she loves me but she won’t go along with what she knows to be wrong. She said she’ll never call me by my name and she just won’t ever accept this, so she’s not in my life.
After my Aunt closed the door, I was like ok. I didn’t have much of a reaction because my mom rarely comes over and when she does, she doesn’t stay long. No big deal.

I’m feeling anxious now though because my cousin, her common-law husband, and their 4 children just moved back to California today and my Aunt just told me about an hour ago that when she saw my mom earlier, my mom told her that my cousin and her family are staying with her. I knew my cousin was moving back here with her family because she messaged me a week ago but I did not know she was staying with my mom. I only met the oldest (whose about 12 now) when he was a baby. The other kids I don’t know. When my cousin gets in touch and asks to meet up, I’ll have to tell her that I’m at my Aunt’s which is not that big a deal, (I usually come and visit on the weekends), but I’ll also have to tell her that I’ve had surgery. I’ll have to say I’ve had surgery because I won’t be able to give them proper hugs and I won’t be able to hold the baby who is about 10 weeks old right now. Since I’ll have to tell my cousin, she’ll tell my mom most likely. I won’t ask her not too. We’re all grown folk and don’t feel the need or desire to control other people’s communication in any way. I guess, I just didn’t want my mom/parents knowing about my surgery, especially now, because I’m healing and feeling really vulnerable and just..I don’t want any negativity at all.

I know this is rambly and might not make sense but I thought I’d write it out because sometimes when I’m feeling anxious or worried about things, writing it out helps loads.


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