I’ve cried 3 times in the past 18 hours. 3 TIMES! I can’t remember the last time I cried. Maybe a few tears in mid-summer when I lost my friends. A tear or two, literally a tear or two, each, at times in between then and now. The internet with its touching stories/videos and sympathy watery eyes for friends who are upset/crying in front of me…but this. Blah. I’m in a super sensitive emotional space.
Last night I cried out of frustration and love for a woman I know. I was about to write more about that and her and me and my feelings and the profound something that we are experiencing but the sentence covers it all. “Last night I cried out of frustration and love for a woman I know.” but I’ll add “twice” because one was earlier in the evening and the other a few hours later. After the last one I went for a walk and when I got back to the apartment my friend was there and I felt much more emotionally even.
This morning I cried those rolling silent tears when I was reading a Harry Potter Canon Divergent AU Fic, telling the story as if Petunia Dursley was a decent human being. What touched me most is how different things could’ve been had she chosen to love him. How if Harry wasn’t abused and neglected how better off he and his family and friends would’ve been. Petunia could’ve been more. I’d have loved to see her integrated into the books this way.
It’s got me thinking about my mother and my childhood. If my mother hadn’t felt so rejected, jealous, abandoned, unworthy, how much her life, my life and my family’s lives would be different.
I’m just really feeling feelings right now. The tears just need to flow.