Appreciation-April (13)

I appreciate the Clexa fandom and the fanfic writers who continued to write beyond 307. I’m currently reading one, “In Love and War and Politics”, and it’s reminding me of how much Clarke and Lexa meant/mean to me. How much these fictional characters influenced my views of love and relationships. The complimentary, challenging, respectful, supportive, purpose-filled, dynamic, strong yet soft, destined, bigger than them, kind of love. I appreciate Clark of the Sky People and Lexa Kom Trikru for giving me hope. They are like a lighthouse for my heart. I appreciate Clexacon, (Congratulations on making it happen for 3 years!!!), for bringing me together with some of my very best friends, creative collaborators, great loves of my life. Thank you infinity upon infinity to the creators. I appreciate my inner guidance, my past self, my body for healing. I appreciate my heart and the options opening up for me. Thanks to all of you who are reading these words now. I appreciate you.

Relationship Ideal(s)

Yo! I’ve just had the trippiest experience just now. I was reading through old messages from a chat with a friend. Okay. So about a month shy of 9 years ago (May 2010) I was answering a question about relationships. And it’s remarkably similar to what I feel now. I dare say 95% of what I desire is the same. It’s blowing my mind. I’ve lived an entirely different life since then. I’ve been in a relationship. I’ve been in love 3 times at least. I’ve earned 2 Degrees. I’m a different person. Or so I thought! haha
It’s staring me in the face now. Like I know for sure for sure that my heart is true and consistent. I can trust it/trust myself. What a gift!

Here’s the message:

2010-05-12 08:55 AM
Evan Zarius

You: Sooo… this is a random question, but I am doing some processing of some of the things you said. What’s your ideal family? Would it be poly and/or inclusive of children?

Me: I read somewhere years and years ago that ideal is idea + love. Honestly, it’s changed in the last couple of years and very much so since last summer/last fall after talking with a friend who came out as poly to me. 

As of today, if I could create a family or be part of one, partner/kid (s) then I would. Uh..after finals. ha ha. No..but seriously, my heart is ready and has been ready for the last year, year and a half. My $$$ situation needs to be better for me and my someone to start with a pregnancy, baby, toddler. This is for peace of mind. I am working on not working outside of the fields of art or education. I hope to make that a reality asap. I’m still working out my ideas about poly relationships. I’ve always said that two people create their own 3rd person/energy. No two people are alike and when they come together something new happens. I’ve dated multiple people at once for a short while but was not in love or even close to being in love with any of them but I was loving. I’m always that. People have different needs. What I’m trying to say, is that when I meet someone, the relationship I envision is different each time based on how we interact. The beautiful thing about getting older and having been single for so long is that I know myself pretty darn well and have worked on myself/healing/developing traits that I wanted to. I’m more myself and comfortable than I’ve ever been. 

All these words and I don’t think I’ve answered your question. Ideal: A loving supportive partner (primary) who wants to create a home together. I’d like to be able to entertain friends and family. A safe loving accepting place..good times and supportive in the sense that we encourage one another and help one other be the best we can, creating the most joyful, healthiest people possible. We’re talking ideal here, remember 🙂 The family we have/the health of our family would be priority over what other partners we may bring into it. And we would talk that over. It seems like poly relationships take a high level of trust and honesty and fearlessness and if not fearlessness, willingness to overcome those fears/insecurities or what not. One kid is fine..two is too. As many as we could support emotionally and materially. Meaning time, attention, and guidance. If there were other adults we trusted, (ideal) we would basically have a little community as in it takes a village to raise a child. My career(s) are super important and essential to my well being too. I’m cool on my own but I’d like to have the foundation of a family. Have you ever heard that song by Ne-yo called Make Me Better “..I’m good all by myself but I’m a force when we’re together . ” That’s been like a theme song. If it didn’t happen I wouldn’t consider myself have lived a fulfilled life. My heart’s desire is to be a parent. I’m not as sure about a partner. But I’m trying to move past it and know that it will happen. My other goals, as long as I’m alive I know I’ll make those happen.

What makes me poly is that I always get infatuated with people. Crushes all the time. It’s as natural as breathing. And I don’t want to ever deny that or have to hide that. And would like the opportunity to act on my feelings if I choose too. I seem to pick people who are already in relationships thought. My mom and some friends think this is me subconsciously taking the safe route. I think some people are just beautiful and a vast majority or into monogamy so what can one do? Another ideal would be to be a 3rd. An already established solid in their relationship couple brings me in.

End of message.
********
So, that was how I was thinking 5 days before turning 32 and 3 weeks shy of my 1 year anniversary on testosterone. I’m just bugging out that my 41st birthday is on the horizon and then my 10 years on T celebration and how similar my relationship and life goals are. Time yo!
I’m thinking maybe I’ll read back through my journals and chats and maybe share what I think is interesting/notable.

 ** I didn’t correct/change any of the words/spellings. Also, I don’t use the shortened version of polyamory anymore. I know now that Poly means Polynesian/belongs to the Polynesian people.