Gratitude-June (4)

Gratitude:
-10 year on T! Yesterday marked 10 years since I began medical transition. It’s been an incredible journey thus far. One that I didn’t think I’d live to make. Good to be wrong.
-Kris and Angel for celebrating with me, for making dinner, and good conversation.
-Food in general
-Tea. Specifically a new tea I tried tonight. Pomegranate, Blueberry, Acai, Green Tea. I liked it.
-Water
-Metro Subway
-Insurance stuff being worked out. I hope to get the MRI for my knee this week so we can move forward with treatment.
-Quietness
-Meditation

Tired

My blog is usually for general audiences. This post has profanity and content warnings.

CW: Abduction, Assault, Murder, Suicide, Transphobia, Violence
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I haven’t been sleeping properly. Probably for over a week now. The knee has been hurting. I should be able to get the MRI appointment this week. The mobility issue, the housing issue, the poverty issue are factors, but really my heart/head is hurting about other things.
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“Where are the children?” has been an ongoing nightmare. The babies, toddlers, children, separated from their families, stolen, sold, tortured, sexually assaulted, I think about answering to the ones who will survive to tell us the tales. Concentration Camps in the 21st Century?! Concentration Camps in the United States of America in 2019.
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I’m fucked up severely from all the news of black trans women being murdered. My brain turns in on itself every time I see an article, hear or read a story. There’s a sense of folding in, becoming small, becoming still. This is my community. It’s not escapable. My friends, my loves, my support system is largely made of people who are LGBTQIA and it’s trauma upon trauma. To be perfectly real, all I want to do right now is fuck and smoke. Escape. Feel good. Feel peace. For a bit.

I post a lot of Queer related things on my various social media. Not so much on this blog though. At every start of the new year I have always considered sharing every murder of a trans person in the US for the purpose of informing folks.  And because these shared posts/articles are all over my social media. At the beginning of every school term, I think about posting all the articles about our kids being killed or taking their own lives. The 9-year-old who took his own life last fall really fucked me up. I rage inside every time I hear or read about any child suicide. Even though I know that our lives matter, I don’t know if it matters that I share. I wonder if it’ll do more harm to associate lgbtq folks primarily through the lens of violence that is pervasive in our world.

Our lives are being stolen from us.

There are friends I know who put their bodies and psyches on the line every day fighting for human rights.

I don’t know where I’m really going with this, because I know so many people are going through things dark dark dark dismal. I know there are good and great things happening and I count my blessings every fucking day. Yet the state of our country right now feels inescapably nightmarish. I know when I sleep I’ll feel better but I’m scared to sleep because I’m scared to dream. I’m a DREAMER so it feels like at this time there’s no respite, rest, reprieve. Just tired y’all. So tired.