Gratitude-July’s End

Last week was the most challenging week I’ve had in 2019. An abrupt living situation upheaval piggybacking on a stressful ongoing family dynamic from the week prior. I slept somewhere between 25-28hrs in total from Monday (8/22) to Sunday (8/28). I was concerned about mania and hospitalization and feeling like no matter if I checked myself in or not I had no place to go that was safe and healthy for me. Flight/Fight response triggered. PTSD.

It was really chaotic, overwhelming, and awful but I made it through.

My creativity and meditation practice took hits…

… but most importantly I survived.

I’ve learned a lot, processed much, made some decisions, and let go of my attachments to certain people, and mainly certain ways of thinking about myself, my biological family (maternal side), and my perceived place/non place in said family.

***

I was watching/listening to Twilight again last night. In New Moon, Bella is experiencing night terrors pretty regularly. At some point her dad, Charlie tells her, sometimes you gotta learn to love what’s good for you. And it really struck a chord with me. I know what’s good for me and knowing what’s good is more than half the battle won for the soul that I am.

***

Today, I am grateful to have regained my equalibrium faster than anticipated.

I set a daily meditation goal last year around my 40th solar return. I made it to 428 days and am proud of that. Even more so I am glad that I have been able to continue. I’m on day 3. It does not feel like starting over. There is no sadness involved. Just a thought of how much it adds to my sense of well-being. I’m free to use meditation for the medicine it is for me. And whether I do it daily or keep track of it via an app is no longer a goal for me. But the Taurus Star that I am has made it a habit and some habits don’t need to be broken, dig?

I am grateful to my friends J, Jess, and Donna, who messaged with me pretty much every day.

J for the treat to go see a movie.

*People keep people alive. Please check-in with your people. Especially the ones you know who live with mental illness. Seriously. Please if you can, check-up. We can’t always reach out, especially when we’re spiraling and can’t think properly. *

I’m thankful for Jess who comes all the way over here to fetch me 30¢ refills of my gallon water bottles. I can’t carry the weight because of the torn meniscus.

This past weekend was very hot and I was very thirsty and very angry and very sad because I felt very helpless, and no one was physically around. My leg was spasming and cramping more because of the dehydration. So pain all around.

The two people I was sharing living space with were very busy. And yes I texted and asked more than once and more than once is/was embarrassing enough when the need is ongoing.

Moving on.

I came up with a brilliant solution yesterday while journaling. I’ll get a Brita filter pitcher as soon as I can. I have one up north at my Aunt’s house but totally forgot about it. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve been there. But yeh, paying for water and relying on people to bring me water is near done! 🙂

I am grateful for my body, its intelligence and desire to feel good/be well/heal.

I am thankful for my friend Moon for allowing me this space, her couch. This stable instability has been invaluable. I’m thankful for her support and for teaching me a warm up technique on the guitar even though she was in the midst for preparing for her debut performance with Picture Yes at Whiskey Go Go 🎤🎸🎶

I am grateful for my guitar. And for all the tools available online that help me learn. I love music and I love learning. Musicianship suits me.

I am grateful for art and art supplies. I ran out of paper AND finished my 2nd sketchbook last week. One of my mentors/friends surprised me on Friday with a backpack full of supplies. Totally shocked my system. I feel RICH! From what I estimate, I have probably a year’s worth of sketch and drawing paper. Maybe more. I’m so lucky. And feel so supported, hopeful. A blank page makes me feel anything is possible. Anything at all.

I am grateful to my new social worker who took the time to explain short-term disability (I’m not eligible) and long-term disability. He also put me in a system here in LA for homeless people. There is a scored system of some sort as far as priority housing needs. I am in the priority range to be helped but it’s LA and he told me essentially not to hope for it. There are too many of us in need here.

I am grateful for the Dash that costs 35¢ instead of the $1.75 for the bus or subway. The schedule is unreliable but the price is right if time is not an issue.

I am grateful for my Aunt who sent me funds tonight so I’ll be able to get around on public transit this week and next.

I am grateful for the movies and tv shows I have downloaded that don’t require internet service because currently there is no internet service here which is ok. Just a different way of living.

I am grateful for actual medicine that helps my brain and my body.

I am grateful for sleep! The last couple of days I’ve averaged 6 hours each, which feels miraculous.

I am grateful for the proficiency of people I engage with while seeking social services.

I am thankful for the customer service people and security guard at my local RiteAid who I got to see this evening with their, “How are you?”, “Long time no see”, “Hope you feel better soon”

I am thankful for my persevering self.

I am grateful for truth telling, trust, and this very moment.

Thanks to all who have read all this 🙂

I’m typing on my phone. Hope it reads ok.

Gratitude-July (26)

Gratitude:
-for the spirit of gratitude, thankfulness. Counting blessings and realizing the truth of no matter the outer circumstances there can be a gladness of heart. I am fortunate.

-For friendship. The highest expression of love in my life.

-For the realization that the grief/pain I feel for the losses I have endured with my blood family has impacted my ability to trust in new relationships of all kinds and actually to trust life in general.  This acknowledgment feels like a gift: Space to feel, time to heal.

-For so many tears shed. My eyeballs hurt but the release has been good. Not necessarily lighter. But clearer for sure.

-For sudden rapid changes in my living situation, though disruptive to my equilibrium, have proved to be instructive overall.

-For my new social worker

-For Gentleman Jack.

 

 

Gratitude-July (22)

Gratitude:

-Stubbornness. My absolute stubbornness.
-Friends on the other end of a text or message.
-My life. Myself.
-Love
-Understanding. Or almost understanding
-BSG. Seriously. It’s my favorite show to watch when things are rough. I don’t know why . Just grateful that it exists and that such care went into the making of the show. The characters, their relationship, the production design, especially the actual Battlestar Galactica set, the music, the camerawork, the ideas it explores, the brilliant, absolutely brilliant actors.

Gratitude-July 4

Gratitude:

-citizenship, fellowship

-Relief. Psychological, Emotionally.

After over 3 months of insurance issues, I finally got my MRI. My doctor went over the results with me. Tear in the meniscus and wearing down of the cruciate ligament. And yesterday I was approved to see an Orthopedic surgeon. Appointment is next week.

The knee locked up this past weekend for over 40 minutes. Then 4 clicks and pain, which has been surreal. I’ve never experienced anything like it. My psyche feels changed.

Great news though. Less pain today!

-Shower. Water.

-Tidal. I’ve been really digging it. This 90 day free trial is 👍🏾👌🏾

-Hope.

-Proof to myself that I can successfully commit to my own well being. This daily practice has served me, serves me, and will continue to in future.

I’m over being attached to the app though. So as far as a visual record of my personal record of consecutive days, I’m moving on.

Anything you’re grateful for?

Feel free to share in the comments below 😁

Ta