Gratitude-August (6)

Gratitude:
-For J and Jess listening
-For myself.
-For being courageous. For finally talking with my roommate.

I needed water today. A friend was going to come to get me some but had a terrible emergency so I texted my roommate and asked him because I was out, it’s hot, I’m dehydrated, my leg woke me up/hurts etc. He didn’t reply. We talked about that too.

I put the two 1-gallon containers by the door with the 60 cents for the refills, then about an hour later he had hand on the doorknob, walking out the door and I asked, hey man, will you get me some water? He said, sure, grabbed them and left. I was LIVID. I knew we’d have to talk when he got back.

This has been so stressful.  The water issue has been ongoing. Going to the store too. I can’t carry much weight. So I’ll limp to the store or walk slowly depending on how the knee is, and I’ll get a few items, like a cucumber or beans, lemon, tea, little pint of ice-cream, etc. I used to ask him all the time if he needed something when I was out. Anything I could carry. He never asks me if I need anything. It just doesn’t happen. He doesn’t go often, anyway. His work schedule varies so much. I understand that.

It’s hard to ask for help and it’s scary to be this dependent. It’s humiliating all around to have to call around and ask others for help. It’s demoralizing. I also blame myself and wonder how I got to this point in my life. Like what the heck is going on?
**
The water problem will be resolved soon! I’m getting a Britta as soon as I have the money. Hopefully by this weekend.
**
It was good to hear things from his perspective coming out of his mouth instead of the speculation going on in my head.

In a nutshell, my needs/goals for connection, community, health, happiness, and his need to isolate, be self-contained, be neutral, especially after working with the public at his full-time job, are both entirely understandable, especially with the stresses we are facing in our lives/our places in the world at large, but ultimately incompatible. And for me disheartening.

Our conversation was open, honest, and necessary.  I told him I was proud of us and we’ve done a good job living in a 400 sq.ft. single room apartment these past 100 days or so (since the 1st day of Spring). He told me to not let things build up and just talk to him. I said okay, I’ve said everything I needed to say, thanks for listening.
**
We never fight or anything like that. There’s no maliciousness. I just feel alone/lonely.
I am the ignored houseplant or jar of rice. Not loved and cared for, nor hated.
**
One example. In July, we had 11 days go by and he started conversations with me only twice. Once to ask about a note taped on our door and one to inquire when our mutual friend was moving back to LA. And yes, I speak to him every day. At least a, have a good day/how was work?

I told him we could have much happier lives. That with the world the way it is, we need more love, and that starts with the people around us. I’ve invited him to play games, make art, watch TV.  He said he can’t right now. He told me he appreciates me asking and offering to share with him. He told me not to take it personally.
**
I respect his truth and have been where he is.
I feel him.
**
I’m an empath so I knew what was going on but needed the confirmation. I told him sometimes my interpretation of his energy has made me physically ill. The only relief is when he steps out. I didn’t say that part. I also sage, pray, and tell myself to mind my own energetic business. I didn’t say those things either.

A bright side: One of the same needs we have is low light at night. That’s my time. I do most of my stuff at night. I need that calmness.  He has that same need or he’s sleeping, so that works out for both of us.
**
He told me I’m not responsible for his happiness, to just live my life. I  got really teary and almost started crying.
**
Another one of my issues is that I’ve been feeling judged for months. So I asked him did he judge me? He said no. And I said ok, that’s my insecurity then. I own it. I’d just been thinking he didn’t like me and I wasn’t worth his time or consideration. Self-esteem issues.
**
I am grateful for today.
-For letting go of anger and dealing with the aftermath: sadness
-For friendship
-For Toni Morrison, her life works, words, wisdom. Even in death she has helped me with healing where I didn’t even know I was (still) hurting.

Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-August (5)

Gratitude:

-I woke up this morning
-Still catching up with messages/emails. Making progress.
-For being able to chat with my cousin and a couple of friends
-My monster rage. I have been livid on and off for the past couple of hours. I’ve calmed down somewhat but it’s made me really tap into why I am/was so angry. Being around someone who lacks empathy has been taking a toll. I know the reasons why. It doesn’t make me any less upset. And yes, I deserve better. I wouldn’t even wish him on him.
-Knowing I can choose a different vibration.  At any time I can be in a new vibe.
-For looking in a mirror and smiling because while it is that deep, it’s also not at all.
-A roof over my head
-Beans in my belly.
-Telling my truth to others despite judgment from myself and the perceived and/or potential judgment of others.
-For practice. Guitar and Drawing.
-For you. Thanks for reading.

 

Hey! Listen To Your Emotions

Bitterness shows you where you need to heal, where you’re still holding judgments on others and yourself.

Resentment shows you where you’re living in the past and not allowing the present to be as it is.

Discomfort shows you that you need to pay attention right now to what is happening because you’re being given the opportunity to change, to do something different than you typically do it.

Anger shows you what you’re passionate about, where your boundaries are, and what you believe needs to change about the world.

Disappointment shows that you tried for something, that you did not give in to apathy, that you still care.

Guilt shows you that you’re still living life in other people’s expectations of what you should do.

Shame shows you that you’re internalizing other people’s beliefs about who you should be (or who you are) and that you need to reconnect with yourself.

Anxiety shows you that you need to wake up, right now, and that you need to be present, that you’re stuck in the past and living in the fear of the future.

Sadness shows you the depth of your feeling, the depth of your care for others and this world.

-via Tumblr anonymous

Peaceful Rage

I randomly and thankfully stumbled across The Queer Nation Manifesto  tonight. It was handed out 28 years ago at New York Pride. I was a 12-year-old queer kid living in Compton.
***
I feel so angry right now about so many things. I let myself down today. But that’s only a small part of the anger I’m feeling.  I won’t get into what I did and did not do but I recognize my failings and I forgive myself because I have to in order to move forward. The suppressed anger that I’ve been feeling is bubbling up to the surface. Feeling unsure how to handle it.
Anger isn’t something I’m comfortable with but it’s something I’m familiar with. Reading the words/testimonies reminded me that my anger is valid. I’m owning it now. I’m making it my bitch.
 ***
TransPride is today. I’ll be there. I’ll march on Saturday in the Pride Parade and attend the festival. I’m picking up my free ticket tomorrow courtesy of The Center.
Fortunate. Always. Grateful.
Sometimes I wonder who would I be without the kindness I encounter pretty much daily? I don’t really want to know. This rage is fuel for now and I’m cool with this fire.
Your everloving, peaceful, raging queerdo,
Evan
Transpride fist

Henny Penny

I have said this to very few people because I didn’t want to put a negative vision out into the world. *shaking my head while cry laughing*

Soon after the November election, but especially those first few days after the inauguration, with the First Executive Order, I knew that Law was over. Government was done. Our country as we knew it, destroyed.

When I say I live in a police state and have for years, my friends are surprised and some deny my experience. Not in total bad faith exactly but just naiveté? Fear? Denial? I do not know.

It is important for me now that I speak my truth because I live it. It’s pressing on me. I’m pressed. I’ve been depressed for months now. Months, ya’ll.

Do I have answers? No. Do I see light in our near future? No. We have had many warnings in the last few years. Yes. I’m certain ya’ll can think of some.

I think most about the genocide of the people in Flint, Michigan, by the people, of the government. I think about the attempted murders of the people protesting Dakota Access Pipeline, by the people, of the government. I think about all of the people who have been executed, by the police. So many of these murders recorded. So much of the footage circulated by the people, for the people.

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken.

The tell is, how many friendships and familial relationships have been negatively impacted.

How many of your relationships with people you love and who love you have been affected?

Remember our shared history of family and friends fighting against each other? Remember our Civil War?

Remember the treasonous South. The symbols of that rebellion are still everywhere. One of the major issues of our now time, Friday, August 18, 2017.

We do not have until 2018 or 2020*and there is no peaceful way to get 45 out of office. Anything we do will feed what he’s been serving for the past couple years. Words have been preemptively been used as weapons against us.

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken. And maybe because our country was founded by people who wanted freedom but who thought it fine to build their freedom on the brutalized bodies and blood soaked soil, of the people, who were here first. Maybe because our great nation was built by people who were enslaved.

I am an ascendant of people who were enslaved.

Helping_Hand_Tape_20150103

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken. So what?

Looking at the list of successors** is disheartening. The entire list seems to be complicit and complacent. We’d need special elections, which we won’t do, because what will that say about us? What would it look like?

We are not as great as we thought we were. We are in fact like many other nations of the world who have engaged in civil wars for years.

We’d have to admit our electoral college has failed us. We’d have to admit that our government has never been for ALL THE PEOPLE. We’d have to change.

People are slow to change though. We are too slow, we are too ‘polite’, we are afraid, and our corrupt bureaucratic culture is a three-toed sloth.

During this past week, people have been waking up to realize what so many people, so many people of color, so many people who belong to minority groups in our United States of America, have been talking about for YEARS! Years ya’ll.

Too late. Too slow.

This is not a call to arms. This is not a call to action. I don’t have answers. This is me sounding off. A Henny Penny who sees the Sky Fall.

Those of you who hold a higher vision for humanity, thank goodness for you! Seriously. Thank you ❤

I’m tapped out.

**
Screen Shot 2017-08-18 at 15.11.44

Blood Angry Yet Spirit Thankful

This a thank you post to my cousin V, for listening and giving me a hug when I was done talking.
I haven’t been sleeping properly the last week or so. Maybe 4-5 hours a day, and not consecutively. I only did homework for 1 class this week and totally skipped 3 classes. I’ve been feeling really angry. Like so angry that it feels like heat coming from my skin. Like so angry that I’ve broken out in a rash on one of my arms.  And I didn’t really know why until I started talking with my cousin. I am angry at the laws and proposed bills all over our country that discriminate against lgbtq people or people who are perceived as gender non-conforming. As of right now, there are over 175 anti-lgbt bills across 32 states trying to become law. Like seriously. How are we supposed to live with this and be totally healthy and productive members of this society?
 
I am angry that some of the things I hear coming out of people pushing these bills are sometimes verbatim what my mother has said to me. I am angry that when I came out to my mom as trans the first thing she said was she knew, then a year or so later said that she’d never accept me as I am. That the rest of the family was going along with it but she wouldn’t because she knows that it is wrong and she is right with her God. I am angry because my relationship with my mom and dad is non-existent and there is nothing to be done about it. I am angry because one day this week I woke up saying, Fuck You! and I was dreaming of talking with my parents. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not like this but now, I guess I am.
I am angry because some kids and young adults I mentor and am friends with online are struggling with things I’ve struggled with (and it’s bringing a bunch of stuff back up for me) and I literally cannot say, it gets better. I cannot actually say don’t kill yourself, but I do listen and tell them I love them and they are here for a reason. I do pass on telephone numbers to crisis lines. I do donate to The Trevor Project.
I am angry because our kids (our gaybies) are killing themselves and self harming because of this society that hates and fears people like us. I am angry because parents are killing their kids for being lgbtq are being perceived as potentially being lgbtq. I am angry because people think people like us are less human than they are and think they have the right to abuse us and take our lives. I am angry because people think we are a joke, a punchline. Our lives are so funny we are laughing up blood, bruised bodies, bullets in the head.
 
I am not just a ball of anger though. I am always more than one thing. I am thankful for family, friends, acquaintances, allies. I am thankful for a roof over my head, food in the cabinets, and fridge, I am thankful to have access to medical care, I am grateful for music, tv, movies, the internet, social media. I am thankful for school, my mentors, paid work in the field that I love. I am thankful for my physical health. I am thankful to be able to put words together to express my emotions and thoughts. I am thankful for you who read this.