Gratitude-August (5)

Gratitude:

-I woke up this morning
-Still catching up with messages/emails. Making progress.
-For being able to chat with my cousin and a couple of friends
-My monster rage. I have been livid on and off for the past couple of hours. I’ve calmed down somewhat but it’s made me really tap into why I am/was so angry. Being around someone who lacks empathy has been taking a toll. I know the reasons why. It doesn’t make me any less upset. And yes, I deserve better. I wouldn’t even wish him on him.
-Knowing I can choose a different vibration.  At any time I can be in a new vibe.
-For looking in a mirror and smiling because while it is that deep, it’s also not at all.
-A roof over my head
-Beans in my belly.
-Telling my truth to others despite judgment from myself and the perceived and/or potential judgment of others.
-For practice. Guitar and Drawing.
-For you. Thanks for reading.

 

Gratitude-July’s End

Last week was the most challenging week I’ve had in 2019. An abrupt living situation upheaval piggybacking on a stressful ongoing family dynamic from the week prior. I slept somewhere between 25-28hrs in total from Monday (8/22) to Sunday (8/28). I was concerned about mania and hospitalization and feeling like no matter if I checked myself in or not I had no place to go that was safe and healthy for me. Flight/Fight response triggered. PTSD.

It was really chaotic, overwhelming, and awful but I made it through.

My creativity and meditation practice took hits…

… but most importantly I survived.

I’ve learned a lot, processed much, made some decisions, and let go of my attachments to certain people, and mainly certain ways of thinking about myself, my biological family (maternal side), and my perceived place/non place in said family.

***

I was watching/listening to Twilight again last night. In New Moon, Bella is experiencing night terrors pretty regularly. At some point her dad, Charlie tells her, sometimes you gotta learn to love what’s good for you. And it really struck a chord with me. I know what’s good for me and knowing what’s good is more than half the battle won for the soul that I am.

***

Today, I am grateful to have regained my equalibrium faster than anticipated.

I set a daily meditation goal last year around my 40th solar return. I made it to 428 days and am proud of that. Even more so I am glad that I have been able to continue. I’m on day 3. It does not feel like starting over. There is no sadness involved. Just a thought of how much it adds to my sense of well-being. I’m free to use meditation for the medicine it is for me. And whether I do it daily or keep track of it via an app is no longer a goal for me. But the Taurus Star that I am has made it a habit and some habits don’t need to be broken, dig?

I am grateful to my friends J, Jess, and Donna, who messaged with me pretty much every day.

J for the treat to go see a movie.

*People keep people alive. Please check-in with your people. Especially the ones you know who live with mental illness. Seriously. Please if you can, check-up. We can’t always reach out, especially when we’re spiraling and can’t think properly. *

I’m thankful for Jess who comes all the way over here to fetch me 30¢ refills of my gallon water bottles. I can’t carry the weight because of the torn meniscus.

This past weekend was very hot and I was very thirsty and very angry and very sad because I felt very helpless, and no one was physically around. My leg was spasming and cramping more because of the dehydration. So pain all around.

The two people I was sharing living space with were very busy. And yes I texted and asked more than once and more than once is/was embarrassing enough when the need is ongoing.

Moving on.

I came up with a brilliant solution yesterday while journaling. I’ll get a Brita filter pitcher as soon as I can. I have one up north at my Aunt’s house but totally forgot about it. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve been there. But yeh, paying for water and relying on people to bring me water is near done! 🙂

I am grateful for my body, its intelligence and desire to feel good/be well/heal.

I am thankful for my friend Moon for allowing me this space, her couch. This stable instability has been invaluable. I’m thankful for her support and for teaching me a warm up technique on the guitar even though she was in the midst for preparing for her debut performance with Picture Yes at Whiskey Go Go 🎤🎸🎶

I am grateful for my guitar. And for all the tools available online that help me learn. I love music and I love learning. Musicianship suits me.

I am grateful for art and art supplies. I ran out of paper AND finished my 2nd sketchbook last week. One of my mentors/friends surprised me on Friday with a backpack full of supplies. Totally shocked my system. I feel RICH! From what I estimate, I have probably a year’s worth of sketch and drawing paper. Maybe more. I’m so lucky. And feel so supported, hopeful. A blank page makes me feel anything is possible. Anything at all.

I am grateful to my new social worker who took the time to explain short-term disability (I’m not eligible) and long-term disability. He also put me in a system here in LA for homeless people. There is a scored system of some sort as far as priority housing needs. I am in the priority range to be helped but it’s LA and he told me essentially not to hope for it. There are too many of us in need here.

I am grateful for the Dash that costs 35¢ instead of the $1.75 for the bus or subway. The schedule is unreliable but the price is right if time is not an issue.

I am grateful for my Aunt who sent me funds tonight so I’ll be able to get around on public transit this week and next.

I am grateful for the movies and tv shows I have downloaded that don’t require internet service because currently there is no internet service here which is ok. Just a different way of living.

I am grateful for actual medicine that helps my brain and my body.

I am grateful for sleep! The last couple of days I’ve averaged 6 hours each, which feels miraculous.

I am grateful for the proficiency of people I engage with while seeking social services.

I am thankful for the customer service people and security guard at my local RiteAid who I got to see this evening with their, “How are you?”, “Long time no see”, “Hope you feel better soon”

I am thankful for my persevering self.

I am grateful for truth telling, trust, and this very moment.

Thanks to all who have read all this 🙂

I’m typing on my phone. Hope it reads ok.

Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

***
A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.