Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-November (16)


-This public gratitude journal. The last 6 or so weeks I’ve been doing this has changed my life and way of looking at life. It’s challenging sometimes to like do it every single day but inevitably I feel better after I do it.

-My confidence level. Which directly attributes to my happiness and eagerness to push forward and try new things.

-Surprise gifts! Thanks, to my friend J for her gift this morning.

-Danny for buying me some sour gummy bears.

-My Baby Taylor. I finally started playing again tonight.

-Emotional support, lifting up, encouragement from Moon. As well as a place to be, grow, and gather myself. I couldn’t be as far along as I am without her.

-Living somewhere for 4 months. This is important. It was a record at 3 months! Prior to that and this, I hadn’t been in one place since late 2008/early 2009. That’s wild to think about. I started social transition in August 2008. I started medical transition in early June 2009. Is it a coincidence that I haven’t had a stable home life since? Causation? Correlation? Regardless, I’m part of those statistics about transpeople. Suicidal ideation, hospitalization, chronic homelessness, spotty employment history.
BUT I’ve earned 2 degrees and was 4 classes short of another. I’ve been privileged as far as friendships (old and new). I’ve met so many good people. I have mentors now. I am a part of many relationships that are about supporting one another (mainly emotionally, psychologically) through life. My heart is open in a way I couldn’t have imagined. I’m secure, grounded, eager, passionate, creative, excited about the future.
I am looking forward to when I have a place of my own. At least a room of my own! Until then every day that I have a roof over my head, a warm place to sleep, in the city I feel I’m supposed to be in (of Angels), I know I am fortunate.

-Experience. Experience as a teacher. Experience to grow on.

-A solid pervading sense of self-worth.

-Opportunities to walk those beautiful lines of knowingness, courage, humility, sincerity, compassion.

-Betrayal. I know that may seem an odd thing to be grateful for. The word keeps coming up in my mind. How I may have felt betrayed and how others have perhaps felt betrayed by me. It’s been But it really is about recognition, perception, and with that perception, surviving it, acknowledging the feelings, working through them, forgiving if/when necessary.

I am grateful today for the series of losses I’ve had this year. Most specifically with certain family members and (former) friends. I am better for it. I can see how fear, miscommunication, and confusion are at the roots of each encounter. There are so many sides to each of the stories. I know that we all do the best we can with what we know. The best that has come from each situation for me is that I am no longer in relationships, surroundings, or situations that aren’t in resonance with my soul vibration/highest good.

I’ve been thinking the last few days or so that I feel like Buffy at the end of S2. I completed me 20th solar cycle between the airings of Becoming (Part 1) and Becoming (Part 2). Now, 20 years and 6 months later I recognize the completion of a major soul lifecycle. I will do what needs doing. Play my part to the best of my abilities.
This is a New Beginning. A new type of Becoming. Phoenix-like. Forged through Fire. Ready to burn bright and true. Light. Warm soft blaze. Steady flame.

-For 180 consecutive days of meditation. Which is an all-time record! Dang proud of myself for this accomplishment.


Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂