Gratitude-August (6)

Gratitude:
-For J and Jess listening
-For myself.
-For being courageous. For finally talking with my roommate.

I needed water today. A friend was going to come to get me some but had a terrible emergency so I texted my roommate and asked him because I was out, it’s hot, I’m dehydrated, my leg woke me up/hurts etc. He didn’t reply. We talked about that too.

I put the two 1-gallon containers by the door with the 60 cents for the refills, then about an hour later he had hand on the doorknob, walking out the door and I asked, hey man, will you get me some water? He said, sure, grabbed them and left. I was LIVID. I knew we’d have to talk when he got back.

This has been so stressful.  The water issue has been ongoing. Going to the store too. I can’t carry much weight. So I’ll limp to the store or walk slowly depending on how the knee is, and I’ll get a few items, like a cucumber or beans, lemon, tea, little pint of ice-cream, etc. I used to ask him all the time if he needed something when I was out. Anything I could carry. He never asks me if I need anything. It just doesn’t happen. He doesn’t go often, anyway. His work schedule varies so much. I understand that.

It’s hard to ask for help and it’s scary to be this dependent. It’s humiliating all around to have to call around and ask others for help. It’s demoralizing. I also blame myself and wonder how I got to this point in my life. Like what the heck is going on?
**
The water problem will be resolved soon! I’m getting a Britta as soon as I have the money. Hopefully by this weekend.
**
It was good to hear things from his perspective coming out of his mouth instead of the speculation going on in my head.

In a nutshell, my needs/goals for connection, community, health, happiness, and his need to isolate, be self-contained, be neutral, especially after working with the public at his full-time job, are both entirely understandable, especially with the stresses we are facing in our lives/our places in the world at large, but ultimately incompatible. And for me disheartening.

Our conversation was open, honest, and necessary.  I told him I was proud of us and we’ve done a good job living in a 400 sq.ft. single room apartment these past 100 days or so (since the 1st day of Spring). He told me to not let things build up and just talk to him. I said okay, I’ve said everything I needed to say, thanks for listening.
**
We never fight or anything like that. There’s no maliciousness. I just feel alone/lonely.
I am the ignored houseplant or jar of rice. Not loved and cared for, nor hated.
**
One example. In July, we had 11 days go by and he started conversations with me only twice. Once to ask about a note taped on our door and one to inquire when our mutual friend was moving back to LA. And yes, I speak to him every day. At least a, have a good day/how was work?

I told him we could have much happier lives. That with the world the way it is, we need more love, and that starts with the people around us. I’ve invited him to play games, make art, watch TV.  He said he can’t right now. He told me he appreciates me asking and offering to share with him. He told me not to take it personally.
**
I respect his truth and have been where he is.
I feel him.
**
I’m an empath so I knew what was going on but needed the confirmation. I told him sometimes my interpretation of his energy has made me physically ill. The only relief is when he steps out. I didn’t say that part. I also sage, pray, and tell myself to mind my own energetic business. I didn’t say those things either.

A bright side: One of the same needs we have is low light at night. That’s my time. I do most of my stuff at night. I need that calmness.  He has that same need or he’s sleeping, so that works out for both of us.
**
He told me I’m not responsible for his happiness, to just live my life. I  got really teary and almost started crying.
**
Another one of my issues is that I’ve been feeling judged for months. So I asked him did he judge me? He said no. And I said ok, that’s my insecurity then. I own it. I’d just been thinking he didn’t like me and I wasn’t worth his time or consideration. Self-esteem issues.
**
I am grateful for today.
-For letting go of anger and dealing with the aftermath: sadness
-For friendship
-For Toni Morrison, her life works, words, wisdom. Even in death she has helped me with healing where I didn’t even know I was (still) hurting.

Thanks for reading.

Everything Fits

I’ve received an entirely new wardrobe this week.  A friend was moving across the country and was cleaning out her closet. My good fortune is that we ended up wearing the same clothes size. I don’t think anyone would think so if they saw us standing side by side but.. everything fits. I’ve kept about 80% of the clothes and yesterday she gave me a few pair of shoes. They fit too!

What’s trippy cool about this experience is the timing. I wasn’t feeling good about myself or how I looked because my shoes were worn down and getting holes in them 😦 and my clothes were hanging off of me. They didn’t fit me physically or where I am in my life. Most of my clothes were college t-shirts that I’d collected and worn like a uniform while in school. It’s now been over a year since I’ve been a student. I’m in a different city, with a different life, with a different body.

It feels good right awesome to put on these new-to-me garments and feel like a newish me. I feel more secure, comfortable, safe.  Perhaps because they come from someone I love and trust. I feel her good energy on them.  Another super bonus is that I didn’t have to go shopping! haha The clothes were delivered to me. I just had to try them on and decide which to donate and which to keep. Everything is comfy. Essentially because they are good quality and they’ve been “broken in.” I was thinking yesterday that I’ll most likely never have an experience like this again. The unexpected generosity. The abundance of it all. A tiny bit overwhelming but all around wonderful.

 

 

Gratitude-December (6)

Gratitude:

-Conversations with Moon and our rainy day adventures

-My friends in real life (internet based included obvs)

-Indulgences (food mainly)

-Warm blanket

-Cleanliness

-The ability to think. I’ve been muddled for the past 3 days. Too many days and too many hours working last week. Even though I love(d) it and was paid well I am paying for it.

-Knowing my limits

-Knowing it’s quite alright to smile, light and throw a match, burn that bridge. Thanks J for the morning message 💜

-Myself. I’m happy I get to be me. There’s no one else I’d rather be. I think I’m interesting af. Funny af. I amuse myself. I’m equal parts absurd and astute. Filled with love and full of hope, so forth and so on.

-Hamilton soundtrack keeping me company.

Share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 😊
Ta

Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

***
A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-November (30)

Gratitude:

-New toothbrush. I won’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve changed my toothbrush. But yeh..glad to have a new one.

-My FB friend for the 😎🎁 Much appreciated.

-J for messaging with me today, even though she’s a mom of 3, had work stuff, and is on the other side of the country, she helped me feel anchored/rooted, enabling me the opportunity to make sense of my day and the place I am at currently in my life.

-Following my instincts. Moving through the little bit of fear I have regarding a base need. How to be secure when what has been given can be so easily taken away?

-Recognizing that this fear is a complete waste of energy. A misuse of imagination. Nothing has happened and I’ll deal if necessary.

-My bedtime clothes.

-Sleepiness. Sometimes sleep doesn’t come easy but I shall rest tonight.

-LA Public Library. Peaceful. Afternoon reading and writing.

-Being closer to moving on from transient status. Looking forward to this change!

-warmed up chocolate cake

-hot lemon water

-Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Moon and Danny have been watching it. Good background show. Many laughs. They are on Season 5, my favorite.

Share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 😊

Ta