Gratitude-August (16)

Gratitude:
-The documentary, Julian Schnabel: A Private Portrait
-My roommate who is a gift of inspiration, who is silent mostly, but loudly sighs and curses under his breath, sometimes laughs, sometimes moans in his sleep, and rarely sings in the shower with his beautiful voice. The domestic intimacy of his snoring, the consistent soundtrack of the inhalation of the vaping apparatus.
-The pain in my left leg. The knee that holds no weight without protest. Exquisite screaming when no medication works at all.
-Prayer. Because what else.
-Innocence lost because I am aware of it happening/it’s happened.
-The 3 drawings I did today.
-The tender feelings in my index, middle, ring fingers on my left hand.
-Guitar practice/play.
-Meditation
-A change in my eating schedule
-regularity
-Great Courses of America via Kanopy. There’s this one on Utopian and Dystopian Literature that’s rocking my worldview. I’ve listened to about 10 lectures in the past 2-3 weeks. 30 minutes each. Easily one of the main highlights of my day.
-The surprising creature I am.

 

Gratitude-August (12)

Gratitude:

-For Ari Aster, cast, and crew of Midsommar. I loved it. If you’re the type to wish there were more original movies being shown here in the US, then get thee to the theater. I highly recommend it.

-For my roommate for fetching me water. The water pitcher filter thingie comes in a few days so I’ll be good on not having to ask anymore.

-For art. I’ve been working on something for a couple of days. Which is rare. I usually only make stuff or sketch stuff that I can do in a day. I don’t like coming back to things. But I guess I’m maturing? A lot more thoughtful for sure. I’ve learned an incredible amount in the last few days. It’s fascinating really. Just a different level of trust and decision making that I think will bleed into other parts of my life. We’ll see.

-For messenger and messages and sort of connecting with people. I’m so lone most of the times I feel like I tend to monologue or talk really fast at folks because I don’t know when next we’ll message or when I’ll see them. This is a strange time for me but sort of new which is always interesting. Trying to live in the present and process as I’m going. The past is still haunting me but that’s because I need to deal with stuff and/or completely let them go.

-For Leo season beginning in earnest. I think yesterday or Saturday.  Not talking based on fixed equinox dates of the West but like what’s actually going on in the sky at present. Ready to see how we all shine. How beautiful, brave, heart based and dramatic things will be. For me I’m hoping it’s a really know my worth time. And do things I’ve been afraid to do. Add beauty to my life and by extension my environment. Be joyful. Etc. HIgh hopes I know. But that’s me really. A Bright Sider

What are you thankful? What are some things you’re looking forward to in late summer (Western perspective)?

Gratitude-August (9)

Gratitude:

-for my Baby Taylor and myself for practicing

-for food options

-For daylight. I’m usually a night time person but the last couple of days I’ve been out for a couple hours with the sun and it’s been good.

-For intuition and doubt. Learning discernment.

-For doing things I’m afraid of with no idea how they’ll turn out.

-For my roommate. It’s changed for the better. Hi, how are you? How was your day? Got any plans? This is enough for me. A “little” goes a long way. I’m very easily pacified. For as long as I remember it’s been this way. I’m fortunate ☺️

-For sorting through my contact lists on google and ios, organizing, deleting, merging. Cut by almost half!

-For spontaneity and the easiness with a newish friend

-For my knee brace which has made a huge difference in my life

-For tiredness and hunger. I’m never really hungry and tiredness doesn’t usually mean sleep. So my body may be in a new phase now. I’m the smallest I’ve been in 10 years easily. Less than 28 (men size) Less than 2 women (size) I say it that way because the smallest stuff I have are labeled with those sizes and they are loose, and my belt has been adjusted.

-For my queer life 🥰🌈💛💞🤙🏾🙌🏾🦋😎😁

Gratitude-August (7/8)

Gratitude:

-For the day

-For doing exactly as I please with it

-For the gift of time.

-For watching things for the 1st time. There’s only that one first time you know? ☺️

For Jupiter Ascending, which I really enjoyed except for one part of the ending. I’m glad that bad reviews don’t deter me. They warn but don’t stop! Ha!

-For Coco! Tonight my roommate and I watched Coco. Some of my people have avoided this movie because everyone said it would make us cry. I’m glad I finally watched. Much different than I expected. Beautiful all the way around. Great storytelling. So much heart. I’ll watch it again soon. But with Spanish-language and English subtitles. I wish I could’ve seen it in theaters. If ever I get the chance I will!

-For the word family. I’ve been asking myself for weeks, what is family? I have been experiencing immense internal conflict about my maternal family. There are painful truths I am facing.

-For painful truths. Because healing is happening.

-For soul stretching. Loving expansion.

-For shot day! I marvel sometimes at how such a small amount of hormones has changed my life so much.

-For one of the end title cards in Coco:

To the people across time who supported and inspired us

For those across time and space who support and inspire me,

Thank you.

Gratitude-August (6)

Gratitude:
-For J and Jess listening
-For myself.
-For being courageous. For finally talking with my roommate.

I needed water today. A friend was going to come to get me some but had a terrible emergency so I texted my roommate and asked him because I was out, it’s hot, I’m dehydrated, my leg woke me up/hurts etc. He didn’t reply. We talked about that too.

I put the two 1-gallon containers by the door with the 60 cents for the refills, then about an hour later he had hand on the doorknob, walking out the door and I asked, hey man, will you get me some water? He said, sure, grabbed them and left. I was LIVID. I knew we’d have to talk when he got back.

This has been so stressful.  The water issue has been ongoing. Going to the store too. I can’t carry much weight. So I’ll limp to the store or walk slowly depending on how the knee is, and I’ll get a few items, like a cucumber or beans, lemon, tea, little pint of ice-cream, etc. I used to ask him all the time if he needed something when I was out. Anything I could carry. He never asks me if I need anything. It just doesn’t happen. He doesn’t go often, anyway. His work schedule varies so much. I understand that.

It’s hard to ask for help and it’s scary to be this dependent. It’s humiliating all around to have to call around and ask others for help. It’s demoralizing. I also blame myself and wonder how I got to this point in my life. Like what the heck is going on?
**
The water problem will be resolved soon! I’m getting a Britta as soon as I have the money. Hopefully by this weekend.
**
It was good to hear things from his perspective coming out of his mouth instead of the speculation going on in my head.

In a nutshell, my needs/goals for connection, community, health, happiness, and his need to isolate, be self-contained, be neutral, especially after working with the public at his full-time job, are both entirely understandable, especially with the stresses we are facing in our lives/our places in the world at large, but ultimately incompatible. And for me disheartening.

Our conversation was open, honest, and necessary.  I told him I was proud of us and we’ve done a good job living in a 400 sq.ft. single room apartment these past 100 days or so (since the 1st day of Spring). He told me to not let things build up and just talk to him. I said okay, I’ve said everything I needed to say, thanks for listening.
**
We never fight or anything like that. There’s no maliciousness. I just feel alone/lonely.
I am the ignored houseplant or jar of rice. Not loved and cared for, nor hated.
**
One example. In July, we had 11 days go by and he started conversations with me only twice. Once to ask about a note taped on our door and one to inquire when our mutual friend was moving back to LA. And yes, I speak to him every day. At least a, have a good day/how was work?

I told him we could have much happier lives. That with the world the way it is, we need more love, and that starts with the people around us. I’ve invited him to play games, make art, watch TV.  He said he can’t right now. He told me he appreciates me asking and offering to share with him. He told me not to take it personally.
**
I respect his truth and have been where he is.
I feel him.
**
I’m an empath so I knew what was going on but needed the confirmation. I told him sometimes my interpretation of his energy has made me physically ill. The only relief is when he steps out. I didn’t say that part. I also sage, pray, and tell myself to mind my own energetic business. I didn’t say those things either.

A bright side: One of the same needs we have is low light at night. That’s my time. I do most of my stuff at night. I need that calmness.  He has that same need or he’s sleeping, so that works out for both of us.
**
He told me I’m not responsible for his happiness, to just live my life. I  got really teary and almost started crying.
**
Another one of my issues is that I’ve been feeling judged for months. So I asked him did he judge me? He said no. And I said ok, that’s my insecurity then. I own it. I’d just been thinking he didn’t like me and I wasn’t worth his time or consideration. Self-esteem issues.
**
I am grateful for today.
-For letting go of anger and dealing with the aftermath: sadness
-For friendship
-For Toni Morrison, her life works, words, wisdom. Even in death she has helped me with healing where I didn’t even know I was (still) hurting.

Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-August (5)

Gratitude:

-I woke up this morning
-Still catching up with messages/emails. Making progress.
-For being able to chat with my cousin and a couple of friends
-My monster rage. I have been livid on and off for the past couple of hours. I’ve calmed down somewhat but it’s made me really tap into why I am/was so angry. Being around someone who lacks empathy has been taking a toll. I know the reasons why. It doesn’t make me any less upset. And yes, I deserve better. I wouldn’t even wish him on him.
-Knowing I can choose a different vibration.  At any time I can be in a new vibe.
-For looking in a mirror and smiling because while it is that deep, it’s also not at all.
-A roof over my head
-Beans in my belly.
-Telling my truth to others despite judgment from myself and the perceived and/or potential judgment of others.
-For practice. Guitar and Drawing.
-For you. Thanks for reading.