Gratitude-August (6)

Gratitude:
-For J and Jess listening
-For myself.
-For being courageous. For finally talking with my roommate.

I needed water today. A friend was going to come to get me some but had a terrible emergency so I texted my roommate and asked him because I was out, it’s hot, I’m dehydrated, my leg woke me up/hurts etc. He didn’t reply. We talked about that too.

I put the two 1-gallon containers by the door with the 60 cents for the refills, then about an hour later he had hand on the doorknob, walking out the door and I asked, hey man, will you get me some water? He said, sure, grabbed them and left. I was LIVID. I knew we’d have to talk when he got back.

This has been so stressful.  The water issue has been ongoing. Going to the store too. I can’t carry much weight. So I’ll limp to the store or walk slowly depending on how the knee is, and I’ll get a few items, like a cucumber or beans, lemon, tea, little pint of ice-cream, etc. I used to ask him all the time if he needed something when I was out. Anything I could carry. He never asks me if I need anything. It just doesn’t happen. He doesn’t go often, anyway. His work schedule varies so much. I understand that.

It’s hard to ask for help and it’s scary to be this dependent. It’s humiliating all around to have to call around and ask others for help. It’s demoralizing. I also blame myself and wonder how I got to this point in my life. Like what the heck is going on?
**
The water problem will be resolved soon! I’m getting a Britta as soon as I have the money. Hopefully by this weekend.
**
It was good to hear things from his perspective coming out of his mouth instead of the speculation going on in my head.

In a nutshell, my needs/goals for connection, community, health, happiness, and his need to isolate, be self-contained, be neutral, especially after working with the public at his full-time job, are both entirely understandable, especially with the stresses we are facing in our lives/our places in the world at large, but ultimately incompatible. And for me disheartening.

Our conversation was open, honest, and necessary.  I told him I was proud of us and we’ve done a good job living in a 400 sq.ft. single room apartment these past 100 days or so (since the 1st day of Spring). He told me to not let things build up and just talk to him. I said okay, I’ve said everything I needed to say, thanks for listening.
**
We never fight or anything like that. There’s no maliciousness. I just feel alone/lonely.
I am the ignored houseplant or jar of rice. Not loved and cared for, nor hated.
**
One example. In July, we had 11 days go by and he started conversations with me only twice. Once to ask about a note taped on our door and one to inquire when our mutual friend was moving back to LA. And yes, I speak to him every day. At least a, have a good day/how was work?

I told him we could have much happier lives. That with the world the way it is, we need more love, and that starts with the people around us. I’ve invited him to play games, make art, watch TV.  He said he can’t right now. He told me he appreciates me asking and offering to share with him. He told me not to take it personally.
**
I respect his truth and have been where he is.
I feel him.
**
I’m an empath so I knew what was going on but needed the confirmation. I told him sometimes my interpretation of his energy has made me physically ill. The only relief is when he steps out. I didn’t say that part. I also sage, pray, and tell myself to mind my own energetic business. I didn’t say those things either.

A bright side: One of the same needs we have is low light at night. That’s my time. I do most of my stuff at night. I need that calmness.  He has that same need or he’s sleeping, so that works out for both of us.
**
He told me I’m not responsible for his happiness, to just live my life. I  got really teary and almost started crying.
**
Another one of my issues is that I’ve been feeling judged for months. So I asked him did he judge me? He said no. And I said ok, that’s my insecurity then. I own it. I’d just been thinking he didn’t like me and I wasn’t worth his time or consideration. Self-esteem issues.
**
I am grateful for today.
-For letting go of anger and dealing with the aftermath: sadness
-For friendship
-For Toni Morrison, her life works, words, wisdom. Even in death she has helped me with healing where I didn’t even know I was (still) hurting.

Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-May (7)

Gratitude:

-My cousin. Her solar return is today. Her vision and advice is always simply expressed truth. Her loving knowingness I recognize now in deep soul appreation.

-being in touch

-Earth Medicine and ancestral assistance.

-Dead To Me (US Netflix) for surprisingly enjoyable entertainment. I hadn’t heard anything about it but when I watched the preview I immediately wanted to watch it. I’ve only seen the 1st episode because I want to sort of stretch it out if I can.

-Incense. Strawberry, Rose, Baby Powder, Vanilla

-Ahbyanga. And with sesame oil as the base for the massage oil. It truly is one of the things I do daily (mostly daily) that contributes to my overall sense of well being.

-Sleep

-350 consecutive days of meditation. Truly life changing.

Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

***
A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-October (20)

Gratitude:
-For R. for helping me get my medicine. I feel better already.
-For sage. For burning sage (smudging), clearing my energy field, and the living space. Spiritual house cleaning if you will.
-For telling myself the truth and making a tough decision.
-For my temper which led to the truth
-For a roof over my head, food, water.
-For those bus tokens. For only having to use 1 today because the machine was broke and the bus driver let me ride free.
-For the nice/helpful pharmacists at AHF.
Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Gratitude-October (14)

Gratitude:
-For Jessica. Great visit. Perfect mediator. Lovingly effortlessly holding space. Friendship.
-For Moon. Clearing the air more. Understanding.

-For myself for being a good communicator. For passing through my frustration and tears, and in the release, feeling peace. Like complete peace through my body/energy field. Lovely. I had realizations about why I was hit by that car. I’ve been asking and asking why? It was definitely about slowing down. To be mindful. To be careful with my steps. To look around. To appreciate my health. The body. Time. Healing. Today though, today I had the realization that it’s changed my life and day to day for a reason. It was like a reset/update.
Even though I felt like things were improving in my life, (they were), some of my patterns of living weren’t serving me any longer. Because I immediately wanted to get better/heal as fast as possible, I started eating better. Asking my body what it needed. Paying attention to how I felt after I ate. Drinking more water, eating vegetables daily, no more dairy, cut back on sugar. A couple of weeks ago I stopped eating candy, donuts. I stopped eating chocolate. I still have a sweet tooth so I did buy a small sock-it-to-me cake but I ate it over the course of days not in a single night. Today I got these cinnamon sliced loaf cakes. But again, I didn’t eat them all. This week I’ll be prioritizing water intake/hydration. But yeh. I can see clearly how much diet has changed because I wanted to heal and be able to walk around, hike down the trail at the Observatory, and just wander around. So what I’m thinking is that it’s not the time to wander so much. It’s time to sit down, be mindful, and do the work I know to do to better my life/life situation. So yeh, I’m thankful for the insight and the review of recent events.

-For art. Practicing art.
-For a roof over my head.
-For letting go of past attitudes and experiences that don’t serve anything anymore. Just letting things go, you know?
-For Tani for helping me see more clearly. My vision is like new. Fresh eyes.
-For Jess for making “I love you” so easy to express verbally. I’m much happier for it.
-Intuition
-Archive of Our Own and all the writers who contribute.
-Life itself. Now.

HotlineBling-10.14.18

For those in need.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta