Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

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A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-October (9)

Gratitude:
-For food. Open Nature chicken sausage, spinach with red pepper, avocado, cucumbers, warm green tea, toasted Coconut Cookie thins (yum), red and green seedless grapes.
-Roof over my head.
-Tumblr Dash/Messenger
-Myself for getting down to the county office to check my mail.

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-Los Angeles public transit
*Special thanks to the bus driver who let me ride for free because I got on the wrong bus. He got to his last stop and I was like..uh..when it was time to go I went to put a token in and he waved me on 🙂 So YAY!

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Thankful for all the love in my life.
T. for her sweetness, generosity, and for lightening my load.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Recent Past and Present Good Stuff

Time for good news sharing:
Inspired by my awesome new therapist. Reminding me to maintain healthy boundaries, to concentrate on my health in every way, which means providing for my basic needs: food and shelter, while I continue to move forward in my chosen career path. This seems maybe simple or obvious to people about the food/shelter part but it hasn’t been easy or simple for me for many reasons that I’ll one day be able to convey. Sorting through stuff now.
I am so damn grateful for the mental health services and social services here in San Diego. That I was able to see a psychiatrist, get a therapist, see my primary, and get a case manager (social worker) to help me find transitional housing (I’m hoping) and employment, is just incredible. All this in less than 2 weeks. Fortunate. Totally.
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I have an incredible ability to focus/concentrate but not on multiple things at once. Tunnel vision is a great thing sometimes, detrimental at others. Perseverance is my special gift. So I know I can do what needs to be done to change my situation. Wouldn’t be able to do it without social support and the mental health and social services in place.
I’ve made choices. I choose what I feel I can do that gives me life. That doesn’t drag me down or feel soul-crushing. School had been the focus for so many years (I love learning) and now legitimately wholeheartedly creating LGBTQ content is the focus because I love us so fucking much and I know it saves people’s lives. Queer content has saved me. Media, ex. movies, tv, music, books, have gotten me through hard times over my life span and added to the overall beauty that is existence. Now at the same time, I am working on caring for myself financially because that is part of self-love too. And as my therapist shared with me, it’s hard to be mentally healthy if you don’t have a safe, stable, place to live. So on I go.
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The past 8 months have been full of incredible learning experiences and so many opportunities. Applying for programs, workshops, attending conventions, etc. Making “Forward” Making beginner’s mistakes with “Forward” and dealing with issues unforeseen. *side note* We’re reshooting in 2 months. If you know of a soccer field we can use for two 9 hour days, get in touch please!
While all these awesome things have been happening, I’ve been cash poor (I grew up in poverty so this is something I’m used to that maybe now I’m thinking I shouldn’t be used to?) but I’ve been lucky enough to mostly every night have a place to crash during this transition from student to being out in the world living the dreams.
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I want to thank my film people from LA and my film people from Sacramento area. Whenever I’ve needed help for film-related stuff, everyone I’ve contacted from Sac State’s film program, professors, alumni, current students, have been there for me, with advice, feedback, and help with Forward’s production. Infinite thanks and appreciation to you all. You know who you be 😉
And I want to thank my friends and family who’ve helped me out financially in the last few months. Especially recently when I’ve needed a bus pass to get around and as bad as this is, personal hygiene items. Yeh, I pretty much hit rock bottom in late May 😦 40 is a trip. It’s a life changing time. I’m up for it. It’s on!
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This past year or so I’ve met so many people. New forever friends (I hope), people trying to make it, people making it, and people who have been making it for years. I will share that I have a mentor in the industry now. I was part of a small crew that interviewed him in April (my last paid gig *sigh*) and am now in a position of confidant and writing that probably won’t ever see the light of day. It’s super cool. Learning a lot about television and I feel really fucking fortunate and thankful for him.
I’m on a first name, hugs, beer giving, basis with the showrunner of Wynonna Earp (which you should totally watch because it’s fucking fantastic), and I get to see her in a few weeks (I hope) if I can get my shit together. She’s inspiring and supportive in so many ways. Her motto: Do No Harm But Take No Shit. One day I’ll be able to totally share about all that she’s done for and meant to our production team.
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Earlier this month I met and attended a workshop at Youtube Space LA. Many people who are doing all kinds of LGBTQ media were in attendance. There were people just starting out, those of us who are in the middle of projects, and those who have completed things that I’ve seen on the air.

 

We were able to meet the man responsible for Netflix’s One Day At A Time. He took the (remake)show from idea to reality. He was incredibly generous with his time and sharing his career experiences. I’ll be at a live taping of a S3 episode later this summer.
At the same two day event, I was fortunate enough to have meals with and joke around with a showrunner/writer/producer of a show no longer on the air but which meant a lot to me when I was in my early 20s. Super cool to be able to talk with her and tell her in person what it meant to me, what a difference it made in my life. She’s funny, charming, generous, and has offered to read “1 thing” and give notes. So when it’s ready I’ll be sending my “1 thing” off to her. I’ll see her next April at a convention for LGBTQ women and allies. Psyched about it. Something to look forward to.
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I want to be clear and say, even with meeting all these people, I still gotta do my work. Sometimes things fall into place but there’s always the work behind it. Oprah said years ago that success is opportunity plus preparedness. It may look someday to some people like I’m an overnight success story. That I popped up out of nowhere. That I’m a diversity hire possibly or what not. But some of you all will know what’s up. Some of you all have known me since age 16 when I first started writing and directing one-act plays. And one of you has known me since we were 13 when I first shared this dream out loud. (Love you, J!)
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I’m currently wanting to get back to LA as soon as possible. It’s only been like 3 weeks but I’m missing it. I’ve decided to make it home for a while. I feel it’s where I need to be. Send good thoughts my way about this move if you will. Money is a thing.
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Any old way, I’m just wanting to share some good-ish stuff with you all.
What’s a cool thing or a good thing that’s happened or is happening with you?
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Health/School/Moving

Life update: Saw my GP (General Practitioner/Doctor) on Friday. Good news: I do not have strep throat! Not so good: I’ve been blah bleh blek this entire week. Rested all day Saturday. Woke up around 530pm because the room was an oven. It was over 90°!! Which means I was up until about 4am this Sunday morn. This thing I have is viral. Nothing to do but rest and drink plenty of fluids. Also while visiting my Dr, I got 3 immunization shots. MMR, Tetanus, and the 2nd shot in a series of 3 for Hep B. My right arm is hurting from the tetanus shot 😦 My doctor warned me. I need the immunization shots to be able to register for school.

On Wednesday I got a late admission offer to attend Sacramento State as a Film Major. The intent to enroll date was yesterday, May 30th. I had to make a super quick decision. Though tuition is very affordable at San Francisco State, housing in that area is not. It’s frightening how much it costs to just share!! a room. Attending Sac State will allow me to live with/near family. I’m tired of worrying about where I’ll sleep all the time. Ready to give up this homeless life. So.. I won’t be living in a Queer Mecca after all but Northern California I’m still coming for ya!