Gratitude-August (5)

Gratitude:

-I woke up this morning
-Still catching up with messages/emails. Making progress.
-For being able to chat with my cousin and a couple of friends
-My monster rage. I have been livid on and off for the past couple of hours. I’ve calmed down somewhat but it’s made me really tap into why I am/was so angry. Being around someone who lacks empathy has been taking a toll. I know the reasons why. It doesn’t make me any less upset. And yes, I deserve better. I wouldn’t even wish him on him.
-Knowing I can choose a different vibration.  At any time I can be in a new vibe.
-For looking in a mirror and smiling because while it is that deep, it’s also not at all.
-A roof over my head
-Beans in my belly.
-Telling my truth to others despite judgment from myself and the perceived and/or potential judgment of others.
-For practice. Guitar and Drawing.
-For you. Thanks for reading.

 

Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

***
A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-November (16)

Gratitude:

-This public gratitude journal. The last 6 or so weeks I’ve been doing this has changed my life and way of looking at life. It’s challenging sometimes to like do it every single day but inevitably I feel better after I do it.

-My confidence level. Which directly attributes to my happiness and eagerness to push forward and try new things.

-Surprise gifts! Thanks, to my friend J for her gift this morning.

-Danny for buying me some sour gummy bears.

-My Baby Taylor. I finally started playing again tonight.

-Emotional support, lifting up, encouragement from Moon. As well as a place to be, grow, and gather myself. I couldn’t be as far along as I am without her.

-Living somewhere for 4 months. This is important. It was a record at 3 months! Prior to that and this, I hadn’t been in one place since late 2008/early 2009. That’s wild to think about. I started social transition in August 2008. I started medical transition in early June 2009. Is it a coincidence that I haven’t had a stable home life since? Causation? Correlation? Regardless, I’m part of those statistics about transpeople. Suicidal ideation, hospitalization, chronic homelessness, spotty employment history.
BUT I’ve earned 2 degrees and was 4 classes short of another. I’ve been privileged as far as friendships (old and new). I’ve met so many good people. I have mentors now. I am a part of many relationships that are about supporting one another (mainly emotionally, psychologically) through life. My heart is open in a way I couldn’t have imagined. I’m secure, grounded, eager, passionate, creative, excited about the future.
I am looking forward to when I have a place of my own. At least a room of my own! Until then every day that I have a roof over my head, a warm place to sleep, in the city I feel I’m supposed to be in (of Angels), I know I am fortunate.

-Experience. Experience as a teacher. Experience to grow on.

-A solid pervading sense of self-worth.

-Opportunities to walk those beautiful lines of knowingness, courage, humility, sincerity, compassion.

-Betrayal. I know that may seem an odd thing to be grateful for. The word keeps coming up in my mind. How I may have felt betrayed and how others have perhaps felt betrayed by me. It’s been But it really is about recognition, perception, and with that perception, surviving it, acknowledging the feelings, working through them, forgiving if/when necessary.

I am grateful today for the series of losses I’ve had this year. Most specifically with certain family members and (former) friends. I am better for it. I can see how fear, miscommunication, and confusion are at the roots of each encounter. There are so many sides to each of the stories. I know that we all do the best we can with what we know. The best that has come from each situation for me is that I am no longer in relationships, surroundings, or situations that aren’t in resonance with my soul vibration/highest good.

I’ve been thinking the last few days or so that I feel like Buffy at the end of S2. I completed me 20th solar cycle between the airings of Becoming (Part 1) and Becoming (Part 2). Now, 20 years and 6 months later I recognize the completion of a major soul lifecycle. I will do what needs doing. Play my part to the best of my abilities.
This is a New Beginning. A new type of Becoming. Phoenix-like. Forged through Fire. Ready to burn bright and true. Light. Warm soft blaze. Steady flame.

-For 180 consecutive days of meditation. Which is an all-time record! Dang proud of myself for this accomplishment.

Cheers

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Gratitude-October (9)

Gratitude:
-For food. Open Nature chicken sausage, spinach with red pepper, avocado, cucumbers, warm green tea, toasted Coconut Cookie thins (yum), red and green seedless grapes.
-Roof over my head.
-Tumblr Dash/Messenger
-Myself for getting down to the county office to check my mail.

DPSS_Classic_10.09.18

-Los Angeles public transit
*Special thanks to the bus driver who let me ride for free because I got on the wrong bus. He got to his last stop and I was like..uh..when it was time to go I went to put a token in and he waved me on 🙂 So YAY!

Me_Drep_10.09.18

Thankful for all the love in my life.
T. for her sweetness, generosity, and for lightening my load.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Gratitude-October (7)

Gratitude:
-Successful fast.
-The talk with Moon. I am thankful that she’s given me a place to live while I work toward creating my life in this city of Angels Spirit moved me to be.
Creator, lead me to a place and means to afford this place I’ll live in and create in. I’m ready to prosper.
Amen-So Be It.

-Mindfulness
-Clarity
-Affirmations
-Meditation (140 consecutive days!)
-Myself for doing the work
-T. for kinship
Kinship
-Love. Love of self and others. Love in expanse.

And now THE WORK.
To focus on the things that I need to focus on to transform my life to the Happiest, Healthiest, most Helpful version.

Thankful for all who are following this journey.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Recent Past and Present Good Stuff

Time for good news sharing:
Inspired by my awesome new therapist. Reminding me to maintain healthy boundaries, to concentrate on my health in every way, which means providing for my basic needs: food and shelter, while I continue to move forward in my chosen career path. This seems maybe simple or obvious to people about the food/shelter part but it hasn’t been easy or simple for me for many reasons that I’ll one day be able to convey. Sorting through stuff now.
I am so damn grateful for the mental health services and social services here in San Diego. That I was able to see a psychiatrist, get a therapist, see my primary, and get a case manager (social worker) to help me find transitional housing (I’m hoping) and employment, is just incredible. All this in less than 2 weeks. Fortunate. Totally.
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I have an incredible ability to focus/concentrate but not on multiple things at once. Tunnel vision is a great thing sometimes, detrimental at others. Perseverance is my special gift. So I know I can do what needs to be done to change my situation. Wouldn’t be able to do it without social support and the mental health and social services in place.
I’ve made choices. I choose what I feel I can do that gives me life. That doesn’t drag me down or feel soul-crushing. School had been the focus for so many years (I love learning) and now legitimately wholeheartedly creating LGBTQ content is the focus because I love us so fucking much and I know it saves people’s lives. Queer content has saved me. Media, ex. movies, tv, music, books, have gotten me through hard times over my life span and added to the overall beauty that is existence. Now at the same time, I am working on caring for myself financially because that is part of self-love too. And as my therapist shared with me, it’s hard to be mentally healthy if you don’t have a safe, stable, place to live. So on I go.
***
The past 8 months have been full of incredible learning experiences and so many opportunities. Applying for programs, workshops, attending conventions, etc. Making “Forward” Making beginner’s mistakes with “Forward” and dealing with issues unforeseen. *side note* We’re reshooting in 2 months. If you know of a soccer field we can use for two 9 hour days, get in touch please!
While all these awesome things have been happening, I’ve been cash poor (I grew up in poverty so this is something I’m used to that maybe now I’m thinking I shouldn’t be used to?) but I’ve been lucky enough to mostly every night have a place to crash during this transition from student to being out in the world living the dreams.
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I want to thank my film people from LA and my film people from Sacramento area. Whenever I’ve needed help for film-related stuff, everyone I’ve contacted from Sac State’s film program, professors, alumni, current students, have been there for me, with advice, feedback, and help with Forward’s production. Infinite thanks and appreciation to you all. You know who you be 😉
And I want to thank my friends and family who’ve helped me out financially in the last few months. Especially recently when I’ve needed a bus pass to get around and as bad as this is, personal hygiene items. Yeh, I pretty much hit rock bottom in late May 😦 40 is a trip. It’s a life changing time. I’m up for it. It’s on!
****
This past year or so I’ve met so many people. New forever friends (I hope), people trying to make it, people making it, and people who have been making it for years. I will share that I have a mentor in the industry now. I was part of a small crew that interviewed him in April (my last paid gig *sigh*) and am now in a position of confidant and writing that probably won’t ever see the light of day. It’s super cool. Learning a lot about television and I feel really fucking fortunate and thankful for him.
I’m on a first name, hugs, beer giving, basis with the showrunner of Wynonna Earp (which you should totally watch because it’s fucking fantastic), and I get to see her in a few weeks (I hope) if I can get my shit together. She’s inspiring and supportive in so many ways. Her motto: Do No Harm But Take No Shit. One day I’ll be able to totally share about all that she’s done for and meant to our production team.
****

Earlier this month I met and attended a workshop at Youtube Space LA. Many people who are doing all kinds of LGBTQ media were in attendance. There were people just starting out, those of us who are in the middle of projects, and those who have completed things that I’ve seen on the air.

 

We were able to meet the man responsible for Netflix’s One Day At A Time. He took the (remake)show from idea to reality. He was incredibly generous with his time and sharing his career experiences. I’ll be at a live taping of a S3 episode later this summer.
At the same two day event, I was fortunate enough to have meals with and joke around with a showrunner/writer/producer of a show no longer on the air but which meant a lot to me when I was in my early 20s. Super cool to be able to talk with her and tell her in person what it meant to me, what a difference it made in my life. She’s funny, charming, generous, and has offered to read “1 thing” and give notes. So when it’s ready I’ll be sending my “1 thing” off to her. I’ll see her next April at a convention for LGBTQ women and allies. Psyched about it. Something to look forward to.
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I want to be clear and say, even with meeting all these people, I still gotta do my work. Sometimes things fall into place but there’s always the work behind it. Oprah said years ago that success is opportunity plus preparedness. It may look someday to some people like I’m an overnight success story. That I popped up out of nowhere. That I’m a diversity hire possibly or what not. But some of you all will know what’s up. Some of you all have known me since age 16 when I first started writing and directing one-act plays. And one of you has known me since we were 13 when I first shared this dream out loud. (Love you, J!)
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I’m currently wanting to get back to LA as soon as possible. It’s only been like 3 weeks but I’m missing it. I’ve decided to make it home for a while. I feel it’s where I need to be. Send good thoughts my way about this move if you will. Money is a thing.
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Any old way, I’m just wanting to share some good-ish stuff with you all.
What’s a cool thing or a good thing that’s happened or is happening with you?
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Health/School/Moving

Life update: Saw my GP (General Practitioner/Doctor) on Friday. Good news: I do not have strep throat! Not so good: I’ve been blah bleh blek this entire week. Rested all day Saturday. Woke up around 530pm because the room was an oven. It was over 90°!! Which means I was up until about 4am this Sunday morn. This thing I have is viral. Nothing to do but rest and drink plenty of fluids. Also while visiting my Dr, I got 3 immunization shots. MMR, Tetanus, and the 2nd shot in a series of 3 for Hep B. My right arm is hurting from the tetanus shot 😦 My doctor warned me. I need the immunization shots to be able to register for school.

On Wednesday I got a late admission offer to attend Sacramento State as a Film Major. The intent to enroll date was yesterday, May 30th. I had to make a super quick decision. Though tuition is very affordable at San Francisco State, housing in that area is not. It’s frightening how much it costs to just share!! a room. Attending Sac State will allow me to live with/near family. I’m tired of worrying about where I’ll sleep all the time. Ready to give up this homeless life. So.. I won’t be living in a Queer Mecca after all but Northern California I’m still coming for ya!