Gratitude-August (16)

Gratitude:
-The documentary, Julian Schnabel: A Private Portrait
-My roommate who is a gift of inspiration, who is silent mostly, but loudly sighs and curses under his breath, sometimes laughs, sometimes moans in his sleep, and rarely sings in the shower with his beautiful voice. The domestic intimacy of his snoring, the consistent soundtrack of the inhalation of the vaping apparatus.
-The pain in my left leg. The knee that holds no weight without protest. Exquisite screaming when no medication works at all.
-Prayer. Because what else.
-Innocence lost because I am aware of it happening/it’s happened.
-The 3 drawings I did today.
-The tender feelings in my index, middle, ring fingers on my left hand.
-Guitar practice/play.
-Meditation
-A change in my eating schedule
-regularity
-Great Courses of America via Kanopy. There’s this one on Utopian and Dystopian Literature that’s rocking my worldview. I’ve listened to about 10 lectures in the past 2-3 weeks. 30 minutes each. Easily one of the main highlights of my day.
-The surprising creature I am.

 

Gratitude-August (7/8)

Gratitude:

-For the day

-For doing exactly as I please with it

-For the gift of time.

-For watching things for the 1st time. There’s only that one first time you know? ☺️

For Jupiter Ascending, which I really enjoyed except for one part of the ending. I’m glad that bad reviews don’t deter me. They warn but don’t stop! Ha!

-For Coco! Tonight my roommate and I watched Coco. Some of my people have avoided this movie because everyone said it would make us cry. I’m glad I finally watched. Much different than I expected. Beautiful all the way around. Great storytelling. So much heart. I’ll watch it again soon. But with Spanish-language and English subtitles. I wish I could’ve seen it in theaters. If ever I get the chance I will!

-For the word family. I’ve been asking myself for weeks, what is family? I have been experiencing immense internal conflict about my maternal family. There are painful truths I am facing.

-For painful truths. Because healing is happening.

-For soul stretching. Loving expansion.

-For shot day! I marvel sometimes at how such a small amount of hormones has changed my life so much.

-For one of the end title cards in Coco:

To the people across time who supported and inspired us

For those across time and space who support and inspire me,

Thank you.

Gratitude-July’s End

Last week was the most challenging week I’ve had in 2019. An abrupt living situation upheaval piggybacking on a stressful ongoing family dynamic from the week prior. I slept somewhere between 25-28hrs in total from Monday (8/22) to Sunday (8/28). I was concerned about mania and hospitalization and feeling like no matter if I checked myself in or not I had no place to go that was safe and healthy for me. Flight/Fight response triggered. PTSD.

It was really chaotic, overwhelming, and awful but I made it through.

My creativity and meditation practice took hits…

… but most importantly I survived.

I’ve learned a lot, processed much, made some decisions, and let go of my attachments to certain people, and mainly certain ways of thinking about myself, my biological family (maternal side), and my perceived place/non place in said family.

***

I was watching/listening to Twilight again last night. In New Moon, Bella is experiencing night terrors pretty regularly. At some point her dad, Charlie tells her, sometimes you gotta learn to love what’s good for you. And it really struck a chord with me. I know what’s good for me and knowing what’s good is more than half the battle won for the soul that I am.

***

Today, I am grateful to have regained my equalibrium faster than anticipated.

I set a daily meditation goal last year around my 40th solar return. I made it to 428 days and am proud of that. Even more so I am glad that I have been able to continue. I’m on day 3. It does not feel like starting over. There is no sadness involved. Just a thought of how much it adds to my sense of well-being. I’m free to use meditation for the medicine it is for me. And whether I do it daily or keep track of it via an app is no longer a goal for me. But the Taurus Star that I am has made it a habit and some habits don’t need to be broken, dig?

I am grateful to my friends J, Jess, and Donna, who messaged with me pretty much every day.

J for the treat to go see a movie.

*People keep people alive. Please check-in with your people. Especially the ones you know who live with mental illness. Seriously. Please if you can, check-up. We can’t always reach out, especially when we’re spiraling and can’t think properly. *

I’m thankful for Jess who comes all the way over here to fetch me 30¢ refills of my gallon water bottles. I can’t carry the weight because of the torn meniscus.

This past weekend was very hot and I was very thirsty and very angry and very sad because I felt very helpless, and no one was physically around. My leg was spasming and cramping more because of the dehydration. So pain all around.

The two people I was sharing living space with were very busy. And yes I texted and asked more than once and more than once is/was embarrassing enough when the need is ongoing.

Moving on.

I came up with a brilliant solution yesterday while journaling. I’ll get a Brita filter pitcher as soon as I can. I have one up north at my Aunt’s house but totally forgot about it. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve been there. But yeh, paying for water and relying on people to bring me water is near done! 🙂

I am grateful for my body, its intelligence and desire to feel good/be well/heal.

I am thankful for my friend Moon for allowing me this space, her couch. This stable instability has been invaluable. I’m thankful for her support and for teaching me a warm up technique on the guitar even though she was in the midst for preparing for her debut performance with Picture Yes at Whiskey Go Go 🎤🎸🎶

I am grateful for my guitar. And for all the tools available online that help me learn. I love music and I love learning. Musicianship suits me.

I am grateful for art and art supplies. I ran out of paper AND finished my 2nd sketchbook last week. One of my mentors/friends surprised me on Friday with a backpack full of supplies. Totally shocked my system. I feel RICH! From what I estimate, I have probably a year’s worth of sketch and drawing paper. Maybe more. I’m so lucky. And feel so supported, hopeful. A blank page makes me feel anything is possible. Anything at all.

I am grateful to my new social worker who took the time to explain short-term disability (I’m not eligible) and long-term disability. He also put me in a system here in LA for homeless people. There is a scored system of some sort as far as priority housing needs. I am in the priority range to be helped but it’s LA and he told me essentially not to hope for it. There are too many of us in need here.

I am grateful for the Dash that costs 35¢ instead of the $1.75 for the bus or subway. The schedule is unreliable but the price is right if time is not an issue.

I am grateful for my Aunt who sent me funds tonight so I’ll be able to get around on public transit this week and next.

I am grateful for the movies and tv shows I have downloaded that don’t require internet service because currently there is no internet service here which is ok. Just a different way of living.

I am grateful for actual medicine that helps my brain and my body.

I am grateful for sleep! The last couple of days I’ve averaged 6 hours each, which feels miraculous.

I am grateful for the proficiency of people I engage with while seeking social services.

I am thankful for the customer service people and security guard at my local RiteAid who I got to see this evening with their, “How are you?”, “Long time no see”, “Hope you feel better soon”

I am thankful for my persevering self.

I am grateful for truth telling, trust, and this very moment.

Thanks to all who have read all this 🙂

I’m typing on my phone. Hope it reads ok.

Gratitude-July 4

Gratitude:

-citizenship, fellowship

-Relief. Psychological, Emotionally.

After over 3 months of insurance issues, I finally got my MRI. My doctor went over the results with me. Tear in the meniscus and wearing down of the cruciate ligament. And yesterday I was approved to see an Orthopedic surgeon. Appointment is next week.

The knee locked up this past weekend for over 40 minutes. Then 4 clicks and pain, which has been surreal. I’ve never experienced anything like it. My psyche feels changed.

Great news though. Less pain today!

-Shower. Water.

-Tidal. I’ve been really digging it. This 90 day free trial is 👍🏾👌🏾

-Hope.

-Proof to myself that I can successfully commit to my own well being. This daily practice has served me, serves me, and will continue to in future.

I’m over being attached to the app though. So as far as a visual record of my personal record of consecutive days, I’m moving on.

Anything you’re grateful for?

Feel free to share in the comments below 😁

Ta

Tired

My blog is usually for general audiences. This post has profanity and content warnings.

CW: Abduction, Assault, Murder, Suicide, Transphobia, Violence
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I haven’t been sleeping properly. Probably for over a week now. The knee has been hurting. I should be able to get the MRI appointment this week. The mobility issue, the housing issue, the poverty issue are factors, but really my heart/head is hurting about other things.
***
“Where are the children?” has been an ongoing nightmare. The babies, toddlers, children, separated from their families, stolen, sold, tortured, sexually assaulted, I think about answering to the ones who will survive to tell us the tales. Concentration Camps in the 21st Century?! Concentration Camps in the United States of America in 2019.
***

I’m fucked up severely from all the news of black trans women being murdered. My brain turns in on itself every time I see an article, hear or read a story. There’s a sense of folding in, becoming small, becoming still. This is my community. It’s not escapable. My friends, my loves, my support system is largely made of people who are LGBTQIA and it’s trauma upon trauma. To be perfectly real, all I want to do right now is fuck and smoke. Escape. Feel good. Feel peace. For a bit.

I post a lot of Queer related things on my various social media. Not so much on this blog though. At every start of the new year I have always considered sharing every murder of a trans person in the US for the purpose of informing folks.  And because these shared posts/articles are all over my social media. At the beginning of every school term, I think about posting all the articles about our kids being killed or taking their own lives. The 9-year-old who took his own life last fall really fucked me up. I rage inside every time I hear or read about any child suicide. Even though I know that our lives matter, I don’t know if it matters that I share. I wonder if it’ll do more harm to associate lgbtq folks primarily through the lens of violence that is pervasive in our world.

Our lives are being stolen from us.

There are friends I know who put their bodies and psyches on the line every day fighting for human rights.

I don’t know where I’m really going with this, because I know so many people are going through things dark dark dark dismal. I know there are good and great things happening and I count my blessings every fucking day. Yet the state of our country right now feels inescapably nightmarish. I know when I sleep I’ll feel better but I’m scared to sleep because I’m scared to dream. I’m a DREAMER so it feels like at this time there’s no respite, rest, reprieve. Just tired y’all. So tired.