Tired

My blog is usually for general audiences. This post has profanity and content warnings.

CW: Abduction, Assault, Murder, Suicide, Transphobia, Violence
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I haven’t been sleeping properly. Probably for over a week now. The knee has been hurting. I should be able to get the MRI appointment this week. The mobility issue, the housing issue, the poverty issue are factors, but really my heart/head is hurting about other things.
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“Where are the children?” has been an ongoing nightmare. The babies, toddlers, children, separated from their families, stolen, sold, tortured, sexually assaulted, I think about answering to the ones who will survive to tell us the tales. Concentration Camps in the 21st Century?! Concentration Camps in the United States of America in 2019.
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I’m fucked up severely from all the news of black trans women being murdered. My brain turns in on itself every time I see an article, hear or read a story. There’s a sense of folding in, becoming small, becoming still. This is my community. It’s not escapable. My friends, my loves, my support system is largely made of people who are LGBTQIA and it’s trauma upon trauma. To be perfectly real, all I want to do right now is fuck and smoke. Escape. Feel good. Feel peace. For a bit.

I post a lot of Queer related things on my various social media. Not so much on this blog though. At every start of the new year I have always considered sharing every murder of a trans person in the US for the purpose of informing folks.  And because these shared posts/articles are all over my social media. At the beginning of every school term, I think about posting all the articles about our kids being killed or taking their own lives. The 9-year-old who took his own life last fall really fucked me up. I rage inside every time I hear or read about any child suicide. Even though I know that our lives matter, I don’t know if it matters that I share. I wonder if it’ll do more harm to associate lgbtq folks primarily through the lens of violence that is pervasive in our world.

Our lives are being stolen from us.

There are friends I know who put their bodies and psyches on the line every day fighting for human rights.

I don’t know where I’m really going with this, because I know so many people are going through things dark dark dark dismal. I know there are good and great things happening and I count my blessings every fucking day. Yet the state of our country right now feels inescapably nightmarish. I know when I sleep I’ll feel better but I’m scared to sleep because I’m scared to dream. I’m a DREAMER so it feels like at this time there’s no respite, rest, reprieve. Just tired y’all. So tired.

 

Gratitude-May (17) 💝✌🏾💞∞

Gratitude:
-For being born. For living.  For endurance. For faith. For my intuition. For my angels, guides, star families. For my ancestors, my friends and family. For earth and the blessing it is to be here. For myself who I’ve always been.

-For the finishing of the first draft of a book I’ve been writing 🙌🏾

-For my readers: Heart to Hearts, I appreciate you all more than words can convey. Thank you for supporting the blog. Your likes, shares, comments, messages, and subscriptions mean the world 💞

Today marks 40+1 years complete. I am grateful to everyone who has shown me love and kindness. I am thankful for having a roof over my head and a full stomach. I am thankful for medicine. I am thankful for the people who work directly with the public. Thank you for your public service. I am thankful for my online communities and the many people I have the good fortune to interact with from all over the world. Thankful every day for social media and technology, allowing us to connect with one another.

I am thankful.

Most definitely looking forward to this new time in life.
Happy New Year to me and all Taurus born and May born babes!
Happy (Fri)day to all reading these words. May your day(s) be abundant with love, laughter, joy, kindness.

Ta, loves.

endojé-love unite(s) us

 

Gratitude-May (10)

Gratitude-

-being welcome

-being gifted

-awareness/sensitivity of energy

-heart chakra

-the flixnet for variety of options

-people in my life who are fast to go after what they see or feels needs to be done

-respecting my slower in comparison careful thoughtfulness

-sunlight

-comfy restoration

-hurt feelings as a reminder I can’t always get my way.

-people who value and know how to communicate honestly and respectfully

-where I am in every aspect

Gratitude-May (7)

Gratitude:

-My cousin. Her solar return is today. Her vision and advice is always simply expressed truth. Her loving knowingness I recognize now in deep soul appreation.

-being in touch

-Earth Medicine and ancestral assistance.

-Dead To Me (US Netflix) for surprisingly enjoyable entertainment. I hadn’t heard anything about it but when I watched the preview I immediately wanted to watch it. I’ve only seen the 1st episode because I want to sort of stretch it out if I can.

-Incense. Strawberry, Rose, Baby Powder, Vanilla

-Ahbyanga. And with sesame oil as the base for the massage oil. It truly is one of the things I do daily (mostly daily) that contributes to my overall sense of well being.

-Sleep

-350 consecutive days of meditation. Truly life changing.