Gratitude-(March 17)

Gratitude:

-Repetition. The comfort of watching the same thing over and over again. Or putting it on in the background. For the past week it’s been Russian Doll and Spiderman: Into The Spiderverse. I’ve had them on at some point in the day every single day for at least a week. I’m sure. Thank goodness for everyone involved in making them.

-Change. A friend moved home less than 2 days ago. Life feels different. And one of my best friends is leaving on Wed for and extended trip and by the time she gets back here, I won’t be here so this is a goodbye to a chapter in our lives. To not be able to see these two people/have the option to be in their physical presence is BOOOOOOO! Thank goodness for modern means of (instant) communication. And that I’ve learned to be appreciative and aware of these moments.

-The privilege of being with/sharing day-to-day life with people who are good to me, good for me. Thankful for those rooting for me. Especially the ones who tell me. I need to hear it! haha

-Hitting the mark of 300 consecutive days of meditation 💞

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-The last few days of winter. Spring time is my time. I’m ready ☺️💐

-The people who work at the four grocery stores I most frequent. I see familiar faces every day that greet me in a friendly good-to-see-you manner. Again, a comfort.

-Routine + Variety + Creativity + Love + Music +Thinking + Dreaming + Thinking/Dreaming/Talking about Love + surprising/random adventures/wandering + the mystery of what’s to come.

What’s the best thing that can happen?

What are you grateful for now?

Gratitude-November (16)

Gratitude:

-This public gratitude journal. The last 6 or so weeks I’ve been doing this has changed my life and way of looking at life. It’s challenging sometimes to like do it every single day but inevitably I feel better after I do it.

-My confidence level. Which directly attributes to my happiness and eagerness to push forward and try new things.

-Surprise gifts! Thanks, to my friend J for her gift this morning.

-Danny for buying me some sour gummy bears.

-My Baby Taylor. I finally started playing again tonight.

-Emotional support, lifting up, encouragement from Moon. As well as a place to be, grow, and gather myself. I couldn’t be as far along as I am without her.

-Living somewhere for 4 months. This is important. It was a record at 3 months! Prior to that and this, I hadn’t been in one place since late 2008/early 2009. That’s wild to think about. I started social transition in August 2008. I started medical transition in early June 2009. Is it a coincidence that I haven’t had a stable home life since? Causation? Correlation? Regardless, I’m part of those statistics about transpeople. Suicidal ideation, hospitalization, chronic homelessness, spotty employment history.
BUT I’ve earned 2 degrees and was 4 classes short of another. I’ve been privileged as far as friendships (old and new). I’ve met so many good people. I have mentors now. I am a part of many relationships that are about supporting one another (mainly emotionally, psychologically) through life. My heart is open in a way I couldn’t have imagined. I’m secure, grounded, eager, passionate, creative, excited about the future.
I am looking forward to when I have a place of my own. At least a room of my own! Until then every day that I have a roof over my head, a warm place to sleep, in the city I feel I’m supposed to be in (of Angels), I know I am fortunate.

-Experience. Experience as a teacher. Experience to grow on.

-A solid pervading sense of self-worth.

-Opportunities to walk those beautiful lines of knowingness, courage, humility, sincerity, compassion.

-Betrayal. I know that may seem an odd thing to be grateful for. The word keeps coming up in my mind. How I may have felt betrayed and how others have perhaps felt betrayed by me. It’s been But it really is about recognition, perception, and with that perception, surviving it, acknowledging the feelings, working through them, forgiving if/when necessary.

I am grateful today for the series of losses I’ve had this year. Most specifically with certain family members and (former) friends. I am better for it. I can see how fear, miscommunication, and confusion are at the roots of each encounter. There are so many sides to each of the stories. I know that we all do the best we can with what we know. The best that has come from each situation for me is that I am no longer in relationships, surroundings, or situations that aren’t in resonance with my soul vibration/highest good.

I’ve been thinking the last few days or so that I feel like Buffy at the end of S2. I completed me 20th solar cycle between the airings of Becoming (Part 1) and Becoming (Part 2). Now, 20 years and 6 months later I recognize the completion of a major soul lifecycle. I will do what needs doing. Play my part to the best of my abilities.
This is a New Beginning. A new type of Becoming. Phoenix-like. Forged through Fire. Ready to burn bright and true. Light. Warm soft blaze. Steady flame.

-For 180 consecutive days of meditation. Which is an all-time record! Dang proud of myself for this accomplishment.

Cheers

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Gratitude-October (12)

Gratitude:
-The Sun. The Rain. It was a nice sunny day. Felt nice. Started sprinkling when I was heading back to the apartment just around the time the earth turned away from the sun.

-Walking. It’s slow going. The knee is better. The ankle/foot is getting there. According to my friend the reason why the ankle/foot is hurting now is because it was compensating while my knee was hurt. *sigh* Almost healed up. Hoping in the next couple of weeks I can go hiking again. Well at least down the mountain trail. We’ll see. Fingers crossed.

-Free Spotify app. Today’s playlists. Rihanna, a bit of Angel Haze, Frank Ocean

-Food. I ate hours earlier than I usually do. No 16:8 today. Which is fine.

-A place to sleep

-My friend, R. for his presence in my life, for our friendship that spans 27 years (!!!), for his vulnerability, for his mom getting through her unexpected surgery. May her pain go away as soon as possible, for reminding me that what I do/want to do, creating content for people is worthy, important, and potentially comforting.
-J for being steady for 26+ years of friendship. I wouldn’t be the friend I am to many without her shining example.
-T for her generosity, patience, acceptance.
-For my Auntie Deb and Uncle Joe

-My self for doing what I needed to do. For working it out the best I could. For tending to my own business.

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Mood. Early Morning. Confused, Angry, Scattered.

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Mood. Sorting Through Messy Thoughts/Emotions. Gaining A Higher Perspective.

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Mood. After All.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Gratitude-October (7)

Gratitude:
-Successful fast.
-The talk with Moon. I am thankful that she’s given me a place to live while I work toward creating my life in this city of Angels Spirit moved me to be.
Creator, lead me to a place and means to afford this place I’ll live in and create in. I’m ready to prosper.
Amen-So Be It.

-Mindfulness
-Clarity
-Affirmations
-Meditation (140 consecutive days!)
-Myself for doing the work
-T. for kinship
Kinship
-Love. Love of self and others. Love in expanse.

And now THE WORK.
To focus on the things that I need to focus on to transform my life to the Happiest, Healthiest, most Helpful version.

Thankful for all who are following this journey.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Knocked Off My Feet

Yesterday I got hit by a car.
My body feels hecka sore. I’m on pain medication that is helping a bit. Still uncomfortable.  The left side of my body is hurt. Hip down. So hip, thigh, knee, ankle.

How lucky am I to be alive right now?

I was crossing the street at Hoover and Clinton (LA). I was using the crosswalk. All I remember is stepping off the curve and then next, I was on the ground, like, what just happened?! I look up to see the chrome part of the front bumper right in front of my face. It was older type of SUV.  I thought, at least I’m not under the car!
I wasn’t bleeding and didn’t feel broken but when I tried to stand up my left knee felt like it was going to give out and I was like..uh oh. People were asking me if I was okay. A guy from a shop nearby came out. I guy on the other side of the street got of his car to see if I was okay. The woman driving the suv got out and was like..you ran out into the street. And I was like, hm..um..In my mind, I can’t imagine that.  I’m careful when I cross the street.

There were street repairs being done. So there was only one lane. I’ve crossed that street at that crosswalk all week. One of my clients lives near there. There’s usually a crossing guard lady but I didn’t see her..until later. I’ll get back to that in a minute.

The driver was a woman, who appeared to be somewhere between age 50-60. She was darker brown woman with a spanish? accent. Broken english. I had a couple of thoughts. What if she was undocumented? I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I was also dazed.  I think I was in shock. Everything happened so fast. She was really upset. And towards the end of our encounter she kept saying sorry, I’m sorry. She put her hand to her chest. She was upset so I gave her a hug and then finished crossing the street.

When I made it across the street. I stopped to lean against the wall and just take a minute, you know? Then all of a sudden the crossing guard lady appears and says, “you shouldn’t have let her go. You should’ve got her information.”  She said she saw what happened but she didn’t want to get involved. Now at the time, I was like, ok. Later at the hospital, I was annoyed a bit because if she would’ve come over and said that, things would be different. I mean, help a homie out! I just wasn’t thinking. I can hear her in my head right now saying you should never let anyone go without getting their information. She said no matter what happened, I was in the crosswalk, and the person driving was at fault.

So I felt really stupid. And really bad. I walked about a block more and then realized I couldn’t make it to the bus stop and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to make it to the apartment I’m staying at, from the stop I usually get off at. So I sat down by a tree (shade!) and called my friend Amanda, hoping that she’d pick up. She did. I told her that I got hit by a car and that I was okay but couldn’t walk, and asked if she could come scoop me me up. I didn’t want to go to the ER (who does?!) I just wanted to go back to the apartment and sleep. And I wanted some Canada Dry Gingerale because I was feeling nauseous.

While sitting there waiting for Amanda to pick me up, I realized I was more hurt than I thought and that I should go get checked out. When Amanda got there she checked for bruises. I wasn’t hurting on the outside but I was feeling pain on the inside. Then I got in the car. She grabbed her notebook and went to talk to the guy in the shop and to the crossing guard who I had just seen and she had seen when she drove up. But the crossing guard disappeared? Amanda said there were 3 cameras that she could see on buildings near by. So someone might have footage. We’re going to check this afternoon or tomorrow afternoon.

Anyways, to speed this along we went to the ER. I got looked after. Had x-rays done and got checked for a concussion. No broken bones. No concussion. I called my Auntie Toni to let her know what was happening. I’m so glad Amanda was available. She’s really upset that there were people around, saw what happened and didn’t help. The Bystander Effect. There were construction workers right there, businesses open, people on the sidewalk, cars driving by..etc.  Amanda, pointed out that the lady should’ve have given me her information. Even though I can imagine how awful it would be to crash into a human being, I’d have made sure they were okay and I would’ve given her my insurance information. Amanda also pointed out that the crossing guard didn’t do her job. But my first thought was I didn’t want her to get into trouble. But then a few moments later I was like, that’s her actual job. Where was she? I mean..she’s only had one job!

Moving along. The doctor wrote me a prescription for Tylenol 3. It has codeine. I don’t know much about pain medication. Pain woke me up. I waited about half an hour to take the meds because I wanted to meditate first. I also wanted to access what was going on in my body. The directions say to take only as needed. I ended up taking a couple and then decided to type this up. Forgive the jumble, please.

How lucky am I to be alive?
How lucky am I to be alive right now?

Just as lucky as every other day. Meditation_Day 102_20180830-104054_Insight TimerMe_Post Accident_Day 1_20180830_105415
Really.

Thanks for reading.

endojé-love unite(s) us