Gratitude-August (6)

Gratitude:
-For J and Jess listening
-For myself.
-For being courageous. For finally talking with my roommate.

I needed water today. A friend was going to come to get me some but had a terrible emergency so I texted my roommate and asked him because I was out, it’s hot, I’m dehydrated, my leg woke me up/hurts etc. He didn’t reply. We talked about that too.

I put the two 1-gallon containers by the door with the 60 cents for the refills, then about an hour later he had hand on the doorknob, walking out the door and I asked, hey man, will you get me some water? He said, sure, grabbed them and left. I was LIVID. I knew we’d have to talk when he got back.

This has been so stressful.  The water issue has been ongoing. Going to the store too. I can’t carry much weight. So I’ll limp to the store or walk slowly depending on how the knee is, and I’ll get a few items, like a cucumber or beans, lemon, tea, little pint of ice-cream, etc. I used to ask him all the time if he needed something when I was out. Anything I could carry. He never asks me if I need anything. It just doesn’t happen. He doesn’t go often, anyway. His work schedule varies so much. I understand that.

It’s hard to ask for help and it’s scary to be this dependent. It’s humiliating all around to have to call around and ask others for help. It’s demoralizing. I also blame myself and wonder how I got to this point in my life. Like what the heck is going on?
**
The water problem will be resolved soon! I’m getting a Britta as soon as I have the money. Hopefully by this weekend.
**
It was good to hear things from his perspective coming out of his mouth instead of the speculation going on in my head.

In a nutshell, my needs/goals for connection, community, health, happiness, and his need to isolate, be self-contained, be neutral, especially after working with the public at his full-time job, are both entirely understandable, especially with the stresses we are facing in our lives/our places in the world at large, but ultimately incompatible. And for me disheartening.

Our conversation was open, honest, and necessary.  I told him I was proud of us and we’ve done a good job living in a 400 sq.ft. single room apartment these past 100 days or so (since the 1st day of Spring). He told me to not let things build up and just talk to him. I said okay, I’ve said everything I needed to say, thanks for listening.
**
We never fight or anything like that. There’s no maliciousness. I just feel alone/lonely.
I am the ignored houseplant or jar of rice. Not loved and cared for, nor hated.
**
One example. In July, we had 11 days go by and he started conversations with me only twice. Once to ask about a note taped on our door and one to inquire when our mutual friend was moving back to LA. And yes, I speak to him every day. At least a, have a good day/how was work?

I told him we could have much happier lives. That with the world the way it is, we need more love, and that starts with the people around us. I’ve invited him to play games, make art, watch TV.  He said he can’t right now. He told me he appreciates me asking and offering to share with him. He told me not to take it personally.
**
I respect his truth and have been where he is.
I feel him.
**
I’m an empath so I knew what was going on but needed the confirmation. I told him sometimes my interpretation of his energy has made me physically ill. The only relief is when he steps out. I didn’t say that part. I also sage, pray, and tell myself to mind my own energetic business. I didn’t say those things either.

A bright side: One of the same needs we have is low light at night. That’s my time. I do most of my stuff at night. I need that calmness.  He has that same need or he’s sleeping, so that works out for both of us.
**
He told me I’m not responsible for his happiness, to just live my life. I  got really teary and almost started crying.
**
Another one of my issues is that I’ve been feeling judged for months. So I asked him did he judge me? He said no. And I said ok, that’s my insecurity then. I own it. I’d just been thinking he didn’t like me and I wasn’t worth his time or consideration. Self-esteem issues.
**
I am grateful for today.
-For letting go of anger and dealing with the aftermath: sadness
-For friendship
-For Toni Morrison, her life works, words, wisdom. Even in death she has helped me with healing where I didn’t even know I was (still) hurting.

Thanks for reading.

Mental Wellness (Relationships)

Whoever I’m with in future will be responsible for their mental health. I am responsible for my mental health. It’s an everyday thing. It’s challenging work. Today I recognize and give myself credit for all I do and how far I’ve come.
**
Someone diagnosed me with a mental illness (Bipolar 1) in late April 2004 at age 25. I was hospitalized.  To say my entire world shifted drastically feels like a huge understatement.  From my perspective, it was a spiritual emergence that turned into an emergency. I’ll be writing more about this experience in future. From my doctors’ perspectives (western medicine) it was a psychotic episode with spiritual delusions. Neither are wrong assessments. Both are true. And it took a long, long time to reconcile my thoughts on the matter.
**
Why is mental health on my mind right now? It’s relationship time. I’m in a space/time in my life where I am feeling the desire to partner up.  I’ve had this feeling for a while now. Probably for the past 9 months.  I don’t know how to describe it other than I feel and know it’s time. From my life pattern so far, I have long gaps in between relationships. It’s been a little over 5 years since my last one, which lasted about 2 years. Before that, I had been solo for 7 years. So yeh, free spirit that I am, I’m choosing carefully who I partner with.
***
I know many people who are living with mental illness, whether diagnosed or not.  I know people who are coupled, where one or both partners are navigating mental illness/mental health. I witness how it affects their union. I listen, observe, and learn from them.  I am grateful for the modeling.  At some time, I didn’t think I could be with someone who had a mental health diagnosis because I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with theirs and mine. Now I know that I can, with the condition that they are committed to their health, as I am to mine. We will be supportive of one another no doubt. The intention and effort is what matters because there will be good days and challenging days. As individuals, the commitment to self-care/self-love, will be the foundation of our healthy relationship. And that’s what’s up.

A dream becoming true:
A dedicated partner in a fun purpose-filled relationship. Creativity, business/entrepreneurship, home, family, travel, community service, philanthropy are some of what I’m interested in.  I’m sure the person I’ll be with has similar desires/needs/hopes/wishes, along with others I am psyched to learn about.

Thanks for reading.
Feel free to share what you think/feel in the comments below or via email.

Ta for now.

Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

***
A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-October (12)

Gratitude:
-The Sun. The Rain. It was a nice sunny day. Felt nice. Started sprinkling when I was heading back to the apartment just around the time the earth turned away from the sun.

-Walking. It’s slow going. The knee is better. The ankle/foot is getting there. According to my friend the reason why the ankle/foot is hurting now is because it was compensating while my knee was hurt. *sigh* Almost healed up. Hoping in the next couple of weeks I can go hiking again. Well at least down the mountain trail. We’ll see. Fingers crossed.

-Free Spotify app. Today’s playlists. Rihanna, a bit of Angel Haze, Frank Ocean

-Food. I ate hours earlier than I usually do. No 16:8 today. Which is fine.

-A place to sleep

-My friend, R. for his presence in my life, for our friendship that spans 27 years (!!!), for his vulnerability, for his mom getting through her unexpected surgery. May her pain go away as soon as possible, for reminding me that what I do/want to do, creating content for people is worthy, important, and potentially comforting.
-J for being steady for 26+ years of friendship. I wouldn’t be the friend I am to many without her shining example.
-T for her generosity, patience, acceptance.
-For my Auntie Deb and Uncle Joe

-My self for doing what I needed to do. For working it out the best I could. For tending to my own business.

Blue_Ink_Faded_Me_10.11.18

Mood. Early Morning. Confused, Angry, Scattered.

Impressionistic_HigherPerspecitve_Me_10.11.18

Mood. Sorting Through Messy Thoughts/Emotions. Gaining A Higher Perspective.

Black_Ink_Sillyness_10.11.18

Mood. After All.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Gratitude-October (7)

Gratitude:
-Successful fast.
-The talk with Moon. I am thankful that she’s given me a place to live while I work toward creating my life in this city of Angels Spirit moved me to be.
Creator, lead me to a place and means to afford this place I’ll live in and create in. I’m ready to prosper.
Amen-So Be It.

-Mindfulness
-Clarity
-Affirmations
-Meditation (140 consecutive days!)
-Myself for doing the work
-T. for kinship
Kinship
-Love. Love of self and others. Love in expanse.

And now THE WORK.
To focus on the things that I need to focus on to transform my life to the Happiest, Healthiest, most Helpful version.

Thankful for all who are following this journey.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta