Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

***
A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

What Is My Body Saying?

My body is trying to rid itself of somethings. My body is trying to for a state of homeostasis. I’m rooting for it.

This all started with nausea and I still feel it. My eyes feel tired and irritated, both ears feel achy, my body hurts, I feel a bit of mucous movement in my chest and throat, I threw up a little early this morning and almost again about 20 minutes ago. I hate throwing up. I cried a very little. Ever since I was a little kid when I’m sick to my stomach, I cry.

How do I know I’m sick besides all those symptoms?

Because I don’t want to be in bed. I want to do stuff. Like ride my bike to the Library or..honestly that’s way too ambitious. Maybe at this point I’d just like to sit up for a bit and not feel all hurty. I’ve brushed my teeth though and was going to hop in the shower but I’m exhausted. I’ve made a cup of camomile tea and I’m going to do my best to drink it.

In between resting today, I may watch some old episodes of Dollhouse on Netflix. Or maybe I’ll watch Happy Valley or Criminal Minds.

I hope this is just a one day thing.  I really do.

The Illusion of Strength

I woke up feeling rested and clear. For the past week my schedule has changed. I’ve been going to bed after sunrise, (my preferred schedule) sometimes after 6a and as late as 8am. I’ve been waking in the afternoon, usually between 1400-1530. I still do my “morning” self massage with coconut oil and then do light yoga. I’ve been riding my bike at night (I love night bike rides!), usually about 30-40 minutes. This week I had been feeling heavy and lethargic but today I feel strong, the tone of my body felt good when I did the massage. It felt strong. I felt strong. My mind feels clearer. I feel more capable. More confident. I’ve decided to focus on getting my physical body healthy again in the hope that the mind and emotions will follow and maybe form a nice ménage à trois.

There are a lot of things that I want to do this year. I want to continue studying how to (code) program, using Khan Academy and Codecademy as my primary resources. Khan Academy is brilliant. Last summer I started watching The Art History videos. I want to check out the Biology section and the Economics section. I plan to start studying music theory again. Also, write more. At least a journal. To write in a journal will help me organize my thoughts better. I’ve been all bottled up and confused and unsure about my future. My thinking has been muddled. I’ve primarily been worried and my mindset has been one of avoidance.
I head back to San Diego the day after tomorrow. Back to work. A friend of mine has offered his couch to me for 4 days and then I’ll come back here to my Aunt and Uncle’s. They’ll be out of town so I’ll have the house to myself for 4 days.
As far as Fuck The Limits! 30 Day Art Challenge, I’ve been editing photos, sketching, writing terrible little 4 line poems but you know, still creating and I am glad for it.