Sometimes Your Body

This is a not safe for work type of entry. Content Warning: Sex, Sexuality, Control

Sometimes your body is just getting what it needs/doing what it needs to do.  It’s out of your control. Tears, crying, laughing, can come up. I remember I was with this woman when I was like 24. We had a lot of sex. Like a lot. Like fucking all weekend kind of sex most every weekend for months. One time I was cumming so hard. Orgasm after orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. They weren’t gentle rolling orgasms. They were rock you to your core, out of your body orgasms. They changed me. That experience changed me. The woman was so proud of herself afterward. That night we went to a tattoo place and I got my belly button pierced. In my mind it was about reclaiming my body. We had been together for maybe 4 months but I wasn’t in love with her. And I had shared? something huge with her, but because it wasn’t love based I felt something was taken from me. I felt betrayed by my body in a way. The belly button piercing took years to heal. Took years to stop feeling irritated.

Love Be Like #43

“It’s like you’re my mirror. My mirror staring back at me”.
-“Mirrors” by Justin Timberlake

I am thinking about love today and how we mirror that love for each other.

All of us are mirrors for one another. And that is our loving service to each other. It is like we are place holders for the other.

And sometimes if someone is flipping out or blaming you/others for what is going on with them in their lives, you have to step back and realize it really is all about them. It is their perspective and how they view themselves. And we remember and know it is not about us at all. But sometimes it is.

Sometimes it is an issue you both share and it is there for you to see and not run away from. It is directly staring you in the face.

Sometimes the other is holding heart space for you (even if it is unconscious) to help you see who you are and where you are, whether that be deemed “good” or “bad”.

And sometimes when you love someone..the beginning love, the in it love, the shifting/changing love, the lover’s love, the so many ways of love.. that someone… the belove(d), reflects your love to you and you reflect their love to them and it is expansive, like mirrors facing each other that go on and on and on into greater and greater depth.

Relationship Ideal(s)

Yo! I’ve just had the trippiest experience just now. I was reading through old messages from a chat with a friend. Okay. So about a month shy of 9 years ago (May 2010) I was answering a question about relationships. And it’s remarkably similar to what I feel now. I dare say 95% of what I desire is the same. It’s blowing my mind. I’ve lived an entirely different life since then. I’ve been in a relationship. I’ve been in love 3 times at least. I’ve earned 2 Degrees. I’m a different person. Or so I thought! haha
It’s staring me in the face now. Like I know for sure for sure that my heart is true and consistent. I can trust it/trust myself. What a gift!

Here’s the message:

2010-05-12 08:55 AM
Evan Zarius

You: Sooo… this is a random question, but I am doing some processing of some of the things you said. What’s your ideal family? Would it be poly and/or inclusive of children?

Me: I read somewhere years and years ago that ideal is idea + love. Honestly, it’s changed in the last couple of years and very much so since last summer/last fall after talking with a friend who came out as poly to me. 

As of today, if I could create a family or be part of one, partner/kid (s) then I would. Uh..after finals. ha ha. No..but seriously, my heart is ready and has been ready for the last year, year and a half. My $$$ situation needs to be better for me and my someone to start with a pregnancy, baby, toddler. This is for peace of mind. I am working on not working outside of the fields of art or education. I hope to make that a reality asap. I’m still working out my ideas about poly relationships. I’ve always said that two people create their own 3rd person/energy. No two people are alike and when they come together something new happens. I’ve dated multiple people at once for a short while but was not in love or even close to being in love with any of them but I was loving. I’m always that. People have different needs. What I’m trying to say, is that when I meet someone, the relationship I envision is different each time based on how we interact. The beautiful thing about getting older and having been single for so long is that I know myself pretty darn well and have worked on myself/healing/developing traits that I wanted to. I’m more myself and comfortable than I’ve ever been. 

All these words and I don’t think I’ve answered your question. Ideal: A loving supportive partner (primary) who wants to create a home together. I’d like to be able to entertain friends and family. A safe loving accepting place..good times and supportive in the sense that we encourage one another and help one other be the best we can, creating the most joyful, healthiest people possible. We’re talking ideal here, remember 🙂 The family we have/the health of our family would be priority over what other partners we may bring into it. And we would talk that over. It seems like poly relationships take a high level of trust and honesty and fearlessness and if not fearlessness, willingness to overcome those fears/insecurities or what not. One kid is fine..two is too. As many as we could support emotionally and materially. Meaning time, attention, and guidance. If there were other adults we trusted, (ideal) we would basically have a little community as in it takes a village to raise a child. My career(s) are super important and essential to my well being too. I’m cool on my own but I’d like to have the foundation of a family. Have you ever heard that song by Ne-yo called Make Me Better “..I’m good all by myself but I’m a force when we’re together . ” That’s been like a theme song. If it didn’t happen I wouldn’t consider myself have lived a fulfilled life. My heart’s desire is to be a parent. I’m not as sure about a partner. But I’m trying to move past it and know that it will happen. My other goals, as long as I’m alive I know I’ll make those happen.

What makes me poly is that I always get infatuated with people. Crushes all the time. It’s as natural as breathing. And I don’t want to ever deny that or have to hide that. And would like the opportunity to act on my feelings if I choose too. I seem to pick people who are already in relationships thought. My mom and some friends think this is me subconsciously taking the safe route. I think some people are just beautiful and a vast majority or into monogamy so what can one do? Another ideal would be to be a 3rd. An already established solid in their relationship couple brings me in.

End of message.
So, that was how I was thinking 5 days before turning 32 and 3 weeks shy of my 1 year anniversary on testosterone. I’m just bugging out that my 41st birthday is on the horizon and then my 10 years on T celebration and how similar my relationship and life goals are. Time yo!
I’m thinking maybe I’ll read back through my journals and chats and maybe share what I think is interesting/notable.

 ** I didn’t correct/change any of the words/spellings. Also, I don’t use the shortened version of polyamory anymore. I know now that Poly means Polynesian/belongs to the Polynesian people.