Gratitude-August (6)

Gratitude:
-For J and Jess listening
-For myself.
-For being courageous. For finally talking with my roommate.

I needed water today. A friend was going to come to get me some but had a terrible emergency so I texted my roommate and asked him because I was out, it’s hot, I’m dehydrated, my leg woke me up/hurts etc. He didn’t reply. We talked about that too.

I put the two 1-gallon containers by the door with the 60 cents for the refills, then about an hour later he had hand on the doorknob, walking out the door and I asked, hey man, will you get me some water? He said, sure, grabbed them and left. I was LIVID. I knew we’d have to talk when he got back.

This has been so stressful.  The water issue has been ongoing. Going to the store too. I can’t carry much weight. So I’ll limp to the store or walk slowly depending on how the knee is, and I’ll get a few items, like a cucumber or beans, lemon, tea, little pint of ice-cream, etc. I used to ask him all the time if he needed something when I was out. Anything I could carry. He never asks me if I need anything. It just doesn’t happen. He doesn’t go often, anyway. His work schedule varies so much. I understand that.

It’s hard to ask for help and it’s scary to be this dependent. It’s humiliating all around to have to call around and ask others for help. It’s demoralizing. I also blame myself and wonder how I got to this point in my life. Like what the heck is going on?
**
The water problem will be resolved soon! I’m getting a Britta as soon as I have the money. Hopefully by this weekend.
**
It was good to hear things from his perspective coming out of his mouth instead of the speculation going on in my head.

In a nutshell, my needs/goals for connection, community, health, happiness, and his need to isolate, be self-contained, be neutral, especially after working with the public at his full-time job, are both entirely understandable, especially with the stresses we are facing in our lives/our places in the world at large, but ultimately incompatible. And for me disheartening.

Our conversation was open, honest, and necessary.  I told him I was proud of us and we’ve done a good job living in a 400 sq.ft. single room apartment these past 100 days or so (since the 1st day of Spring). He told me to not let things build up and just talk to him. I said okay, I’ve said everything I needed to say, thanks for listening.
**
We never fight or anything like that. There’s no maliciousness. I just feel alone/lonely.
I am the ignored houseplant or jar of rice. Not loved and cared for, nor hated.
**
One example. In July, we had 11 days go by and he started conversations with me only twice. Once to ask about a note taped on our door and one to inquire when our mutual friend was moving back to LA. And yes, I speak to him every day. At least a, have a good day/how was work?

I told him we could have much happier lives. That with the world the way it is, we need more love, and that starts with the people around us. I’ve invited him to play games, make art, watch TV.  He said he can’t right now. He told me he appreciates me asking and offering to share with him. He told me not to take it personally.
**
I respect his truth and have been where he is.
I feel him.
**
I’m an empath so I knew what was going on but needed the confirmation. I told him sometimes my interpretation of his energy has made me physically ill. The only relief is when he steps out. I didn’t say that part. I also sage, pray, and tell myself to mind my own energetic business. I didn’t say those things either.

A bright side: One of the same needs we have is low light at night. That’s my time. I do most of my stuff at night. I need that calmness.  He has that same need or he’s sleeping, so that works out for both of us.
**
He told me I’m not responsible for his happiness, to just live my life. I  got really teary and almost started crying.
**
Another one of my issues is that I’ve been feeling judged for months. So I asked him did he judge me? He said no. And I said ok, that’s my insecurity then. I own it. I’d just been thinking he didn’t like me and I wasn’t worth his time or consideration. Self-esteem issues.
**
I am grateful for today.
-For letting go of anger and dealing with the aftermath: sadness
-For friendship
-For Toni Morrison, her life works, words, wisdom. Even in death she has helped me with healing where I didn’t even know I was (still) hurting.

Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-October (20)

Gratitude:
-For R. for helping me get my medicine. I feel better already.
-For sage. For burning sage (smudging), clearing my energy field, and the living space. Spiritual house cleaning if you will.
-For telling myself the truth and making a tough decision.
-For my temper which led to the truth
-For a roof over my head, food, water.
-For those bus tokens. For only having to use 1 today because the machine was broke and the bus driver let me ride free.
-For the nice/helpful pharmacists at AHF.
Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta

Gratitude-October (13)

gratitude:
-the public library system
-water, vita water. Working on staying hydrated
-elimination
-DOCTOR WHO. The 13th Doctor (Woot woot Jodie) is just making life better. I’ve seen 11×01 three times this week. I had a lively discussing with my Auntie Deb about it today. Looking for debriefing every week and fanboying with her over the next several weeks. What a great way to enjoy the rest of the year.
-messaging with Jess
-journaling legit
-tarot
-reassurance that everything is happening for the highest good
-clarity and insight
-t-b-a for being a catalyst in my spiritual development-myself for finally going through my email. Sorting. Organizing. Deleting. I had over 1300 emails in my primary inbox going back to December 20th of last year! Obviously I’d been putting off. It took me almost 3 hours to get it done but it’s done! I feel sooooo much better/on top of things.
**If you have a lot of email and if you have a touch tablet of some sort I find it easier to use that than a phone or a computer to label, archive, move into folders.

feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

ta

 

 

 

Gratitude-October (10)

Gratitude:
-Sia. Her music. Spotify’s Sia Playlist
-Being a good reminder for many people today
-Getting that Sock-It-To Me cake. Though I’ve yet to have a slice. I’ve been debating to get it for like 3 or 4 days. At least that back and forth is over.
-Moon
-My brother. I love and respect him to make choices for himself that serve his highest good. His right is to live what is right for him at any given moment.
-Sleep! I passed out for 3 hours in the early evening.  Out of nowhere. I must have needed it.
-Water. I’m parched. At least there’s a lot of water here.
-my electronic devices, especially those that allow me to play music
-For inspiration, T.
-For my own two feet

I am grateful to be alive. All the times that I didn’t want to be here anymore seem distant. Far far away. Maybe because I understand the “why” of it now

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta