Survival, Existence, and Wellness

Every day is a challenge and I try every day to get through the day. And so far I’ve survived every day, and that is amazing!

I endure. I persist.

I can imagine but I honestly don’t know for sure/(barely) care at all, what people think of me, as far as what I do or don’t do. What I should do. If I work. How I work.

Their perceptions belong to them.
My life is mine. I do what I can with what I have. I do what I can with what has been gifted. I do what I can. What I think I can. What I feel I can. Which are all the same thing to me.

Does a healthy brain think this way?,

And if it doesn’t, which I’m honestly not sure, why hassle someone whose brain doesn’t process the same way?

Chronic homelessness. Chronic mental illness. Sometimes they go hand in hand. Without help from family members and/or friends, how do people with chronic mental illness live? How do we survive? How do we exist? Is survival worth it? Is existence enough? I think without our friends, family, and/or public assistance, most of us would be dead. Most of us wouldn’t survive. Most of us wouldn’t exist.

And most of the people we know want us here. Sometimes more than we do. At least they say they do. And I don’t know why it’s this way. I don’t know why.

Does a healthy brain think this way? Probably not. So why expect me to understand or think they way you do, or do the things you would do? I fucking can’t.

Things are getting better for me for sure all around. Financially especially. Which is a relief. Over the past 4-5 months, I’ve had stability as far as a place to live goes. This is the longest I’ve stayed every night anywhere since 2009. That was true at 3.5 months really. And obviously it hasn’t been without judgments and frustrations but still, it’s been beneficial. It’s enabled me a space in order to think, plan, and willfully implement healthy/healthier habits/changes for myself/my life. It’s given me a foundation to create from.

I endure. I persist.

Slowly but surely. Every day. It’s everyday work. I don’t get paid for all I do (yet) but I pay for it in ways that may not seem to cost but do. I’m sure you can imagine. And if you can’t, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe.

***
A successful day for me is not the same as it is for others and I don’t think people who don’t have mental health issues can ever understand. Those that will take any job to survive and pay for things, pay to live, don’t seem to understand that sometimes, with some jobs, we end up paying more than they pay us. We end up paying with our health, our mental health, our physical health, spiritual health, energy. We end up paying with our lives. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know even how to end this.

I don’t think a mentally healthy brain thinks this way.

Does it?

Today I recognize that stability, a home, is a necessity. I will work from home. I will have my own business. The dream. The plan. First things first: Shelter, food, clothing. Basic needs. Then build from there. Wish me well. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude-November (26)

Gratitude:

-Unexpected work

-All the cool people I met today

-Mike for answering all my questions, making sure I get paid, for the ride home, for sharing his music.

-R. for helping me get through this week. I literally only had about $6. Now I can get a bus pass for the week. And eat.

-Roof over my head. Thanks always to Moon for her generosity and hospitality.

-Food

Share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 😊

Ta

Gratitude-November (9)

Gratitude:
-a productive high energy day
-myself for making good choices
-resumes are coming together
-on demand dog walk and being able to hang out a few minutes with the dog and 2 of the 3 cats living in the home.
-M. for being brave. Unexpected goodness in an already very good day.
-Moon for helping me get clear on two important sections of my life. With very few words she steered me right. Also for keeping me informed of political news. She gives me a summary so I don’t have to sift through the mess and be all depressed.
-Job prospect. Set up a meeting 🙂
-J. & R. Both of my friends for over 26 years now.
J and I are present in each other’s lives. R. and I are present in each other’s lives. Especially over the past couple of seasons. I don’t know where I’d be without them. It’s wild! and so very nice.  Friendship love is the best. The choice to be friends is what I love. To keep it real, I was a bit of a shit friend those first couple years. Not on purpose, just a bit careless. Luckily they liked/loved me. I am very much grateful for them. I know how fortunate I am.

Feel free to share anything you’re grateful for in the comments below 🙂

Ta